Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goooooooodbye

I leave in the morning.
I leave. In the morning.

...

Nope, doesn't seem any more real by saying it differently. I almost backspaced back towards the top of the page because I couldn't figure out what to say after that. I'm exhausted. Naturally, I procrastinated till tonight to pack. And weed out junk I don't need. And re-pack. Seriously, how can a few skirts, shirts and necessities take up so much room?

I bought at top-loading hiking backpack from our local surplus store, and it's loaded to the brim with goodies to see me through various climates till summer.

I'm heading to San Diego first, then joining my mom in Puerto Rico for a few weeks, then hopefully on to Virginia till May or June. I've acquired a traveling companion who will adventure with me on the first bit of the trip. I wish my fingers could type the story of this acquisition as my body slept. I've decided to leave my computer at my parents' house, which means I won't likely get to tell the story any time soon. But I'm okay with that. Originally (and by that, I mean up until a few hours ago while I was packing), I was planning to go bloggo crazy on my adventures. I even made a new blog that I was all excited about (http://weneverwait.tumblr.com/). But space constraints of my bag made me stop and question how necessary it was to tell people what I was doing while I was doing it. Everyone knows I can't multitask--and I'd much rather be fully engaged in every experience than hole up somewhere with a glowing screen.

That's right glowing screen, I'm dumping you. When I come back from working on organic farms, maybe we can reevaluate our relationship. I'm hoping in the end, we'll stop goin so steady (I know, I haven't blogged in forever. But facebook and hulu have still been sucking my soul a little bit too much lately).

I doplan on staying in touch with people. Maybe I'll even learn to start answering my phone! Besides, hand-written letters are so much more exciting to get than an electronic comment on an electronic wall. Or maybe they're just more exciting for me. Meh.

Okay, I'm going to sleep now. And I'm darned excited.

P.S. my new favorite jam:

ta>"Life ain't what  it's meant to be.

We were meant to see

A new horizon 

every day.     - Steven Hutchison

I want to see clearly

These last two days have been so incredibly soul enriching. The conversations I've had have been stimulating, comforting, and rejuvenating. It's just been a very happy two days, despite being incredibly tired yesterday. I've had pretty bad insomnia, then Tuesday night I got 2.5 hours of sleep. Adding that previous nights of insufficient sleep made Wednesday seem hazy and potentially terrible. The beautiful conversations, both yesterday and today, completely made up for it.

And tonight when I got back from dumpster diving (no, we didn't find anything) I talked with a near-stranger and learned about social work for an extensive amount of time. Then Kelly, TD and I went back to my room and fingerpainted to a jazz record. It was lovely and silly--my two favorites. We wanted to take pictures, but all of our hands were ridiculously wet with paint. Kelly and I used our combined mad skill and arms to twist the doorknob open without using our fingers, and we all traipsed out into the hall in hopes of finding someone to take our picture. Luckily someone was walking out in the hall, and we asked them to pretty please take our picture. We took lots of goofy ones before washing the colors down the sink (well our Good Samaritan dorm-mate took the pictures).

They didn't save. My memory card had been stuck in the side of my computer the entire time. Normally I would say FAIL without thinking, but what's so fail about it? We had an amazing time that we can still remember, even if pictures would have enhanced that process. But lack of enhancement is not the same as negation.

Mr. Blake, relaying a story he heard once, grabbed a blank piece of paper and put a dot in the very center with a pen. He held it up for the rest of our Conflict and Peacemaking class to see. "What do you see?" he asked. Most people will look, zero in on the center of the paper and say "a dot." Yet the dot is only 2% of the page--the remaining 98% of the page is blank space. Similarly, it seems we're so prone to negate the positive with tunnel vision and concentration on the negative. And that seems like a silly, not-so-good-for-the-soul-or-society way to go about life. I want to stop living like that. Not just feel happy or positive, but intentionally see the happy and positive. That doesn't mean ignoring the fact that bad things exist, but seeing it as a part rather than the whole. Also deciding which (the good or the bad) is more important to spend time on and with.

So, dear happy events--I love you. How beautiful these last few days have been.

Photo Day 2: Dear Alice

Yesterday I went to see Alice in Wonderland. I loved it. 3D is so much freaking fun!

Since I didn't have a chance to take pictures yesterday (I need to figure out a good way to lug my camera around. A camera bag seems like the most obvious solution), I decided to still honor yesterday with a few photographs. As you can see, I kept my awesomepossom 3D glasses.

As I was looking at these glasses, I started wondering what other things we'll take for granted in the future. I'm guessing 3D won't be such a big deal anymore. I'm hoping other things, things with much more global impact, will be adopted as normative and routine as well.

Beautifully dreadful

I'm super excited.

So my hair has been driving me crazy lately. Tyler used to give me fun new haircuts pretty much each month during first semester, but he graduated. I haven't had a real haircut since November (I think). So naturally my hair is going all bonkers, which makes me go bonkers. I've been meaning to find a friend with clippers (I feel like going to a salon for such short hair is a waste). People have asked me if I'm going to grow it out, and I always respond that I would probably only grow it out to dread it.

Photos of things (and people) that make me smile

Soon I'm going to start posting a picture a day of something that makes me smile in a separate picture blog. I came up with the idea yesterday, and promised Todd I would send him a picture of something that made me happy. He sent me a picture (which made me want to chant go KU! or something like that), but I didn't live up to my end of the bargain. I planned to send two pictures today to make up for it, but ended up taking more than that. I was coming back from lunch in the caf, and couldn't help but play outside. In an hour, I'm going down to the Haymarket for a field trip with my Conflict and Peacemaking class. I have a feeling more pictures will be taken :-)

This is Kelly. She's a beautiful soul, fantastic friend, talented co-worker and editor of Campus Conversations. I caught her as she was making the rounds around campus to distribute CC.

The sight of a someone lying, perfectly warm,
in a hammock three feet from melting snow
made me happy.
I felt like a creeper, but
decided to walk up
and ask if I could
take some pictures.

Luckily it turned out to be my friend Jordan, so it wasn't too weird.

Campus in spring, I hope this isn't just a tease. I want the rest of the snow to disappear so I can start taking naps on (non-muddy) flourishing grass.

This bicycle drowning in snow doesn't make me smile. Knowing spring will melt away its icy prison soon does :-) Plus, it looks like a rad old bike.

"That's What Makes Them Pirates!" advertising. My favorite is the pi and rate signs drawn on a different sidewalk.

people are beautiful

I'm in the Haymarket attempting to tackle an ocean of homework. I rode down with Michael for Ivanna Cone adventures with he and the lesbies (I ate Chipotle while they chowed down on delightful looking breakfast cones). My plan to was to study in Crescent Moon until Chelsi comes to pick me up tonight at curfew.

Things I want to make (when I have ingredients/time)

Decorations/Aesthetics

•  A toothbrush bracelet. It would have to be for someone else, like Kaity, because I can't handle wearing bracelets. I think it's awesome though and would love making one.
• On learning about making wooden pendants, I learned that a couple coats of VERY strong coffee works as natural stain. 
• Paper beads. I'm so excited! I have a giant bag full of paper I've been needing to shred and recycle, but this is a much better (and fun) alternative.
• A delicious smelling clove necklace.
• Doodle pendants! They are made from #6 plastic. I wonder if "recycling" it for pendants is worse than actually recycling them.
• Although this is for greeting cards, I would recycle old audio tapes by applying to a canvas on my wall.

 Household/School

• The bucket lamp, although I would want to paint (with some sort of sheer silver or gold/tan) designs on the bucket first.
• Plastic paper clips from recycled cards.
•  Adjusted liquid soap dispenser to lessen waste.
• Useful things like deodorant and shampoo. Woot. 
• Yoga mat from an old sweater.

Edible

• Grow my own wheatgrass and Chinese cabbages (in PVC piping) indoors.
• Almond milk.

I should get off Instructables.com and the internet. Maybe I'll borrow Kaity's hula hoop and try to create rings around my body. That sounds like fun.

Get your swaaaaap on.

I can't sleep. So I made Trade and Barter: UC Connection. Mostly for me (I have lots of stuff to get rid of, and some things (like curtains) that I want). Maybe it'll catch on and will be useful. Maybe it'll just be a flop. Either way, it was an interesting way to distract myself from insomnia. Although I suppose that doesn't really work. Unless I can fall asleep typing this. That'd be cool. No more coffee for me!

WWOOF

Over a holiday break (I don't remember if it was Thanksgiving or Christmas), I was started thinking about what I want to do this summer if I can't go to Europe. Which, because of money, I probably won't. I'm really interested in community living, and started looking at communes (not the creepy cult ones) and the like. I have a list saved as an unpublished blog post somewhere, but none of them seemed to fit exactly what I was looking for.

Today, Sierra told me about WWOOFing.

La-di-dah.

I was not looking forward to my 3 o'clock guitar lesson today--scratch that, I was dreading it.

These once per week guitar lessons sounded exciting when my adviser first explained how they could fulfill needed credit hours. After the first lesson, I remained stoked and eager to practice. For all of one day.

Two Sundays ago I showed up at my teacher's door and explained that I hadn't practiced at all the past week (and I was very, very sorry). He complimented me on my courage for admitting that, and said we could forget this class period and just meet next week.

3:30 a.m. the following Friday, I sat waiting in the dorm f0r my flight to Wisconsin (congratulations big brother on the wedding). I realized I hadn't practiced AT ALL (again) and so played for about a half an hour.

Sunday morning I flew back to Nebraska, exhausted from a weekend with the family and little sleep. At noon, I gave Brennan my guitar to switch out strings and took a nap. Naturally, I missed my 3 p.m. guitar lesson and didn't wake up till evening. Go me. I either slept through the alarm or forgot to set it in the first place.

Today, I started to freak out as I realized this was week three of not practicing. Sure, I went over to the music department a half an hour before my lesson to try and figure out what the heck these notes on frets were all about--but I was supposed to be doing that a half hour each day not a single time just before the lesson. I debated checking the calendar and seeing if I could drop the single-credit "class." How was I going to make it through this awkward upcoming class period, much less catch up from the three weeks I hadn't been practicing?

What was my teacher going to say about a) missing class last week (and so not having a lesson in over two weeks) and b) my obvious lack of practicing?

I stuffed my nerves somewhere deep inside where they couldn't show, and began to play. So far so good.

"Do you find this too easy?" my teacher asked.

I shrugged, and flipped some pages. "It get's harder over here," I pointed.

He laughed, and flipped past chapter after chapter. Finally, he found what he was looking for near the middle of the book and began playing.

It sounded like real music! Not like the boring la-la-la crap from the beginning sections. Even better, he wants me to try playing it (even though I haven't even learned all the notes for it yet) because apparently the other stuff "wasn't challenging enough."

I got giddy all the way down to my toe tips. Who doesn't like to feel special or feel like you've actually got talent? After everything that went down last night, I really needed this boost. It's helping me be more optimistic about not only the guitar lessons (I guess I won't be dropping them), but all the other homework and classes I'm either behind in or simply working hard to just stay afloat.

This last week I was distracted with C, and let some stuff slide. I think maybe I'm meant to be single--at least right now. I feel more centered. And maybe even a bit musical.

Newbold and Plato? Yes, please.

Today was an awful day. Tonight, however, has been fantastic and exactly what I needed for emotional balance.

Zach, Sierra and I went to Crescent Moon an hour before they closed. I looked over classes offered at Newbold and grew excited (not that I'm actually going, but there is a small chance now thanks to Scott--yay for his knowledge and mad computer skills).

I'm interested in (with stars for what really gets me stoked):

• Literary Topics: Gender and Society in Victorian England
• Literary Topics: Women's Novels and Feminist Literary Theory*
• Religion and Violence in Sixteenth-Century Europe
• Topics in History: The Bolshevik Revolution from Lenin to Stalin
• Principles of Environmental Science
• Cultural Anthropology
• Marriage and Family OR Marriage Dynamics
• Social Psychology
• Theories of Personality*
• Sociology of Altruism and Compassion**
• Gender Roles in Contemporary Society*
• Social Thought and Theory
• Religion and Ethics in Modern Society
• Philosophy and Religious Thought

While sitting in Crescent Moon's back patio, I had film idea I'm incredibly excited about. Who ever thought a red brick wall could incite such passion? YAY! If I (& co.) ever actually make it, I may post it. I'd love to have it done for squerraldance, but I'm not sure how realistic that is.

Once Crescent Moon closed, we wandered over to the 'lark. The crowd for open mic night had thinned since our earlier stop and this time we were actually able to find a seat. On the couch, no less. The Artist was there, along with the Stoner and the Crochet Queen. I hope I didn't insult the Artist by switching seats away from him. I needed the nearby table to rest my mug of Coconut Chai tea.

I brought along Pysch worksheets to fill out, but ended up reading my new Plato book instead. When it was compiled, it was the only English translation of all Plato's collected dialogues and letters. I found it at Avol's Books in Madison, Wisc. Total stokefest.

I could have felt bad about neglecting my pile of worksheets, but as Huntington Cairns said in the introduction: "To understand Plato is to be educated; it is to see the nature of the world in which we live." So maybe it won't boost my grade in any classes, but I'll take this form of education :-) Sure, this might not be the absolute best version of dialogue forwards and of Plato's work to choose from--but it's the only one I can choose from. I'm content.

Although the grand adventures with Zach and Sierra had to end because of lameass curfew, I'm not ready to end my happy evening. I have Bach spinning on my record player, light from a tall lamp with paints splatters on it's black base, and Socrates' Defense (Apology) to dig into.

Honesty is huge for me. Near the beginning of my book, Socrates says "it becomes obvious that I have not the slightest skill as a speaker—unless, of course, by a skillful speaker they mean one who speaks the truth. If that is what they mean, I would agree that I am an orator, though not after their pattern."

In that case, I wish everyone was an orator. Then, maybe, emotional balance for everyone wouldn't be often so difficult to find.
(no drama, no you don't want no drama.)

Rainy days often end so perfectly

I often forget why I don't like to trust people. Become attached. I fall in love (in the platonic sense) with people very easily, something I wish wasn't the case. I hurt inside right now, and don't know how to fix it.

I'm left to wonder if my insides are really so unpretty--like the men masquerading as lovers have taught me, along with strangers masquerading as family. Left to wonder if I am simply self-centered, in the negative sense.

I made a decision not to spend a year of my life serving as an Adventist missionary because I didn't think it would be best for me right now. It is self-centered, as in I made the decision with concern for my own life, but is it selfish?

I'd have felt like I was living a lie: on a mission for a god I don't believe (or disbelieve) in, stuck in a world where I cannot be silly hippy Hannah, back to the beginning of this year with its dark, stifling closet.

Maybe I wouldn't have realized how happy I can be if I hadn't found the CTT. So is it selfish to want to stay where I'm at, loved for who I am--being who I am?

Or should I sacrifice petty things like personal style and a group of accepting friends to venture into a year of service? Maybe I'd feel more strongly inclined to go if I felt my service was actually impacting peoples' lives--peace crops work, americorp, volunteering at the local fucking shelter. Stacking books and pretending to be on fire for god doesn't seem like it would help many people. If it's not helping others or me--which I think is the first step to helping others--then how is it selfish not to go? I don't fucking understand.

Any decision someone makes is geared around what they think will bring them happiness. Law school, salad instead of soup, delayed gratification and being responsible, Union over SWAU, focusing on family or work, sleeping in or waking up early.

I want to help people, yes. I want to help because I can see, hear, touch, feel their suffering and the pain rides my spine and ingrains images into my brain. I want it to stop for them, because I can empathize. Because I can empathize, it hurts me. So really, I want to help humanity, Mother Earth, and animals for selfish reasons--if that's how you look at it.

I think everyone is driven by their own desires (helping others could be dumbed down to finding happiness in happiness and well-being of others).

Or is it just me that is driven by so-called "self-centered" desires? And is focusing on what's best for you always selfish?

I'm trying to work this out with words on an electronic page, but it's not helping. I'm just getting mad, which is the feeling that springs up when I'm hurt. I'd rather feel the facade of anger than the pain it conceals.

I shouldn't be hurt, though, from someone's honest opinion. I should be grateful--see it as constructive criticism? But I can't. Especially when I don't understand the problem they point out.

Is it that I'm too afraid to admit my "brother" (who I hardly know) and my ex were right? That I'm a selfish person that treats people like dirt (brother part) and doesn't care about anybody else?

But...if that were true, then why would I even consider this nonprofit PR career path I'm going after? Why would I show up every week to Amnesty, become involved in the Peace and Social Justice Club, donate and over-tip with money I shouldn't spend, recycle, buy clothing that helps children... Or am I just trying to find excuses to convince myself that I'm not selfish?

I don't even know. I don't understand.

All I know right is that I'm fucking hurting, fucking tired, and fucking confused.

Maybe the morning will bring clarity, or at least some cheerful blue skies.

CTT

I've fallen in love...with my friends. I can't help but feel the honeymoon stage will crumble; a silly charade I let myself become entranced with. We are the CTT, but what does that mean?

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to re-create the circle of platonic love I was a part of the summer after high school graduation. It was so fantastic and we all loved each other like I've never felt anywhere else. And when I say love, I mean a friendship love--in case you don't know the meaning of platonic. Geez feels like I'm dating Kalvin again, explaining words and what not.

I'm sort of afraid to fall madly in love with this new group of fantastic friends. Last night they blew my fucking mind out as we lay there on the floor like a human puzzle, wiping away my silent tears. So does that mean I should love with reckless abandon? Maybe not, but I probably will.

On another note--I have a bicycle :-) Scott's roommate's girlfriend didn't need hers anymore, so I got it for free. I'm very excited. I dubbed her Kinky, although Brennan and Cooper went one step further and named her Kinky Puta. Oh my. She is beautiful, although I want to do a paint job and put KINKY on the side. Pictures at some point? Possibly.

I'm excited for tomorrow. We decided this is our spirit week. Today was pajama day, and tomorrow is '70s. Then again, I'm just wearing my wild-woman brown dress and a bandana--not exactly different than my typical weekend garb.

South Street Plaza Adventures

Sometimes I get shy--especially when it comes to good-looking strangers looking at me. Sometimes I avoid eye contact and have minor "what should I do?" panick attacks. I never, ever offer them my phone number.

Unless, of course, they happen to be an interesting boy with long hair working at Open Harvest. I don't even know his name. Interesting facts? I can at least supply a few of those. He's been a vegetarian since he was five, vegan for the last three weeks and longboards.

I doubt he'll call, and almost don't want him to. Sometimes hiding behind shyness is so much easier than saying hello.

(I still can't believe I gave him my phone number. Can I blame it on the fantastic blue skies and energizing air? Better than drugs.)

(--<)

Life has been kind nutso lately. By nutso, I mean stressful and oddly depressing. Not so much right now :-)

I saw I'm Not There for the first time. Mother freaking incredible. Bob Dylan? Yes, please. So many times I wanted to freeze the movie and drop the picture on my wall. Next, Sierra and I watched Across the Universe. By itself, AtU is fantastic. Be a bit off, and it's kind of--eyegasm mixed with eargasm? Afterward, Sierra and I had another one of our epic conversations. I miss hanging out with her and talking about things so candidly. Crazy things. Taboo. Nothing. Everything. What is. What isn't. What could be. Fluidity. Transperancy.

Ideas, theories and contemplations are better than chocolate. Open mindedness should be only a step down from air.

Where the hell are all the people that agree with that?

Kate Nash would describe this as "merry | very, very happy"

I couldn't seem to the shake the smile that followed my face around all day. And why would I want to? There's a fantastic new President kicking it in the White House, and the inauguration ceremony was beautiful. The prayers (national political event, anyone?) did toss me through a loop--but I'm used to diving past them. President Obama. How could I not love a man that talks about respecting the environment and doing our part to ease the intense suffering of others?

"The only thing that could make this day better is if we had blue skies," I told Scott. A few hours later the gray disappeared to match my mood. "You should have wished for world peace," he said.

Maybe I should have. I think we may have finally found the right road, though, so I'll forgo wishes today and just continue playing hide and seek with my grin.

"Girl put that record on, play my favorite song" (or something like that)

Despite having a very lovely day downtown with Michael (Chipotle, The Spindle, A Novel Idea, The Black Market/The Public, and Meadowlark. Yay!), I have three major complaints right now.

1) The "Love is Blue: Great Songs of the '60s" record set I bought today from The Spindle contains some fantastic songs (Ode to Billie Joe, for example). Unfortunately, it only contains the music from those songs. No fun words about jumping off the Tallahatchie bridge :-(

2) LIGHTS! I'm not asking for a camera or even action (welllll), but can't we do something about these bright ceiling fixtures? The kitchen and the laundry rooms' lights are always being left on. To what point and purpose? I mean, besides to annoy me and waste lots of energy of course.

Haha, actually it doesn't even make me mad--I'm just in a ranting mood for some reason. It does kind of bother me in a "I wish people realized how much they could do just by flipping the switch" way, but not so much in an "arrrrg" way.

3) I don't remember. It must not be that important (not that anything I ever write about is important though). Oh yeahh, that everything (and by everything, I mean Bread & Cup) is closed on Sundays.

Okay, enough ranting. I'm actually in a good mood so I'll gush instead. Three current non-complaints:

1) Even though the records I forked out my measly moneys for have no words, the music is very relaxing. I like it.

2) Meeting new people is fantastic! So remember that hot guy I mentioned in my last post? I officially met him today when Michael and I stopped by The Public (which is inside The Black Market). Now it's official that we're friends--facebook told me so. He's freaking rad (even if he does have a fiance, lol)! The world needs more radtastic people who have (veggie) sushi on Sundays :-p I also met a lady (a regular at Meadowlark) who is going to teach me to crochet :-)

3) I think I'm going to TRY to make a shoulderbag out of TOMS flags. I'm not sure how well that will work. I'm hoping Jesse will let me kife some out some TOMS boxes, otherwise I doubt two flags will go very far.

"I believe in days ahead"

Tonight has been the best I've had in a long time. I feel so at peace with myself and, to be incredibly cliched, the world.

It began with a trip to The Black Market with Kaley, Brennan and Josh. I finally got my pair of vegan (no leather insoles) TOMS shoes :-) I also bought Kaley a pair as her long-promised Christmas present. The guy that helped us out was extremely good looking in that unique-style way. Kaley thought he might be gay. I didn't get much of a fem vibe, but she said she did. Then she said maybe he's bi, and of course I grew excited. Maybe there's half a chance ;-) I wish there were more people that wanted to make a difference in the world (he was all stoked about TOMS and stuff. Each time you purchase a pair of TOMS, they donate a pair to children who don't have any shoes).

We went to Old Chicago from there (mmm pizza. We ordered half without cheese. I'm trying very hard to go vegan, but I'm not sure how well I'm doing). Ashley, Erich and Megan joined us at the end.

Crescent Moon, two doors down, was next. The place was packed due to the weekly live jazz performance. We wound up at a table and played card games till 11. I learned how to play indian poker, and how to lose lots of chocolate pieces by betting it all at the wrong times. It was a blast :-) I haven't played games or just hung out with people like this in such a long time (it feels like).

I also may have found a apartment-mate for the summer! We'll see if Brennan was serious or not.

When we got back to Union, Kaley convinced me to go down to the park with her (Megan ended up tagging a long). Haha we actually drove, so I stayed relatively warm. Got ride of some of my blacks. Felt utterly content. At peace.

All in all, I've had a lovely evening. I'm sitting here in my organic cotton nightshirt listening to Scissor Sisters (new musical love affair) and talking to an old best friend about stupid drama. The great thing, is I've decided to stop allowing my emotions play into it. I'm the one letting myself be negatively affected by things going on. I've also realized just because some people don't appreciate my insides, doesn't mean they're not pretty.

Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up and go to a favorite location: New Creation. Despite my views on things god-related, the community, atmosphere and thoughts prompted from the experience have transformed the place into my very own weekly heaven.

[[I'll post a picture of my new shoes soon. They are lovely. Plus I bought bamboo socks. Mmmm, comfort.]]

*Title taken from "Mary" lyrics by Scissor Sisters