24 February 2009


I will never dazzle like a hundred thousand stars.
An aura borealis will engulf our lonely bodies
and blind the ocean of your eyes.
I'll become invisible as the colors cavort
like belly-dancers in the sky.

Emptiness touches the cold crevices of of my soul
As fire flows down and fills my lungs
Why is it loneliest when you lie beside me?

Sometimes left over chocolate and silent teddy bears just don't cut it.
Ha, so I just re-read the last line of the last stupid poem-thing (whatever those two tangle of words happen to be). That was pretty much my relationship with Kalvin. Maybe I just get stuck in ruts, or get comfortable with feeling unwanted. I am a Taurus, after all.

23 February 2009


I've fallen in love...with my friends. I can't help but feel the honeymoon stage will crumble; a silly charade I let myself become entranced with. We are the CTT, but what does that mean?

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to re-create the circle of platonic love I was a part of the summer after high school graduation. It was so fantastic and we all loved each other like I've never felt anywhere else. And when I say love, I mean a friendship love--in case you don't know the meaning of platonic. Geez feels like I'm dating Kalvin again, explaining words and what not.

I'm sort of afraid to fall madly in love with this new group of fantastic friends. Last night they blew my fucking mind out as we lay there on the floor like a human puzzle, wiping away my silent tears. So does that mean I should love with reckless abandon? Maybe not, but I probably will.

On another note--I have a bicycle :-) Scott's roommate's girlfriend didn't need hers anymore, so I got it for free. I'm very excited. I dubbed her Kinky, although Brennan and Cooper went one step further and named her Kinky Puta. Oh my. She is beautiful, although I want to do a paint job and put KINKY on the side. Pictures at some point? Possibly.

I'm excited for tomorrow. We decided this is our spirit week. Today was pajama day, and tomorrow is '70s. Then again, I'm just wearing my wild-woman brown dress and a bandana--not exactly different than my typical weekend garb.

20 February 2009

love post. valentines day come late?

I'm currently listening to a podcast that talks about love. The first part was a depressing bit about a couple's "how we met" story. I wondered why the heck my friend sent this link to me. Lovey-dovey stories just depress me right now.

Then a story about platonic love came up--a story about friendship between two eight-year-old little girls. Listening to the interview, I discovered these two had actually been born male and identify as female. Now I know why my friend sent me this. Anyone who knows me at all, knows I love learning about and discussing gender and sexuality identity issues. Anyway, I've heard transgender adults explain how they always felt "different" as children and/or identified as the opposite sex--but I've never heard from children themselves who feel that way. It was fascinating.

On a not-so-fascinating note. I'm happier not thinking or talking about people I like. I just get depressed. And I think maybe it doesn't make others too happy either. I should become a nun or somehing. Become married to my cause for peace and social justice. I don't think peace and social justice would keep me warm at night, though.

14 February 2009


I just finished meditating--something that's a lot harder than it sounds. The even breathing I can do. Imagining a flame and focusing on the top point of that flame isn't so hard to do. It's the whole "eyes-half-closed" that I struggle with.

Five years (two years, one year) ago I wouldn't have even considered meditating. My best friend from home is here to visit, and I've come to realize how much I've changed in--well, even just the past year.

Before, I obsessed over snowboarding and everything that entailed. Now, I've realized there's a world beyond snow-capped mountains. And this new world suucks :-( So many people are suffering, and I just want to make it stop (or at least make them not hurt as much). I want to live in harmony with the myself, nature, and other people.

I was in the mall today and just felt completely overwhelmed by a) the ridiculousness of the value we place on name-brand, new items b) the clones that make up humanity. I'm so tired of meeting people who conform for the sake of conforming, or try so hard not to conform for the sake of not conforming. Nobody is original, no matter how much we delude ourselves into thinking we are. Nobody lives to simply exist, or wears clothes because they just love how it feels. We're all just so caught up in this image that society feeds us from birth--binary: sexes, orientations, styles, religious views (god or no god), genders, relationships (monogamous or nonmonogamous, platonic or romantic), etc. We care so much about the aesthetic sort of things and not enough about anything else--you know, like people being tortured or the way we're slowly murdering Mother Earth? Thoughts on what reality is, or maybe just thoughts in general? I'm not saying I'm immune. I'm just saying I hate the fact that this is how pathetic we are, pathetic and plastic. How pathetic and plastic I am.

Wow, I need to stop ranting (especially because it probably doesn't even make sense). I think it just boils down to being lonely. I've found how to be at peace with myself, and in turn with the world, but then out of the blue I'll get hit with a tsunami wave of feeling disconnected. Tonight I was in a room full of people, and felt more lonely than I had all day. For once, I'd like to talk about more than Johnny Depp, the weather, or difficult classes. But maybe it's just a matter of priorities and interests, of which mine differ from most people at Union.

Belinda (my friend from home) and I, it seems, barely have anything in common anymore (besides nerdy TV shows). Sure, it's fun to hang out. If we were meeting for the first time, though, I doubt we'd be very tight. There are no deep conversations, common thoughts on impacting the future, shared musical or fashion styles, etc. It's not even that tho--I've just forgotten how she puts me down in front of everyone else (Yes, I realize how much of a Jew nose I have. No, I don't suck at everything I try to do). I used to laugh, and make fun of myself too--but now, I don't. Or maybe I do, but it's just weird now when she does it instead of natural.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. In short, hanging out with Belinda has made me realize how much I've changed since high school. I'm not really interested in going back--back to ignorant, shallow, and uncaring. I love the place I'm at now, with coffee shop/art galleries/second hand store adventures (yay for this week!). I just wish someone would come a long and enjoy these adventures with me--someone who will break the freaking box open instead of sleeping in it, someone who will fuck society's definitions and binary system of existing.

Or at least someone that would just meditate with me.

08 February 2009

I ran away with their words

I sort of have this thing for quotes. They make me happy. Beyond that, they help me avoid homework.

"Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it." Christopher Morley

"The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive." Robert Heinlein

"The goal of life is living in agreement with nature." Zeno (335 BC - 264 BC), from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers

"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief." Gerry Spence

"Wear the old coat and buy the new book." Austin Phelps

"A room without books is like a body without a soul." Cicero

"Our lives improve only when we take chances--and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." Walter Anderson

"Against logic there is no armor like ignorance." Laurence J. Peter

"Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore? Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." R.D. Laing

"Oppression can only survive through silence." Carmen de Monteflores

"Peace is not a relationship of nations. It is a condition of mind brought by a serenity of soul. Peacei s not merely the absence of war. It is also a state of mind. Lasting peace can come only to peaceful people." Jawaharlal Nehru (1889-1964)

"One cannot find peace in work or in pleasure, in the world or in a convent, but only in one's soul." W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), The Painted Veil, 1925

"We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further." Richard Dawkins

"Laws alone can not secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population." Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers." Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

"Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after." Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 'Gift From the Sea'

"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them." Bill Vaughan

"We have too many high sounding words, and too few actionst hat correspond with them." Abigail Adams (1744-1818), letter to John Adams, 1774

07 February 2009

I met someone tonight. Well, re-met. Got to know. Fell for.

Geez, I'm pathetic. And I love it. And, of course, they're pretty much unavailable. At least I found a new friend. A freaking amazing, fantastic, intriguing, damn good looking friend. Yes, please.

06 February 2009

You're like that tornado in the Wizard of Oz, sweeping up everything in your path.

I wanted to cry. The first half of my day was like a mediaeval torture device slowly pealing bloodied layers of skin away from my body. Typically, I can get a handle on stressful situations. Today however? Not a chance. Campus Conversations was two days late (with a boss already unhappy with my performance), ClockTower was one day late (first time won't make distribution deadline all year), and my Lifeglow article for Christian Record Services was one day late. Then there's the piles of overdue Institutional Development and upcoming Intro to Graphic Arts homework that I haven't even started yet. I also flaked on a committee meeting for the Malawi project because I thought it was tomorrow morning, not today.

All of those things aren't what pushed me off the edge, though. It was lack of water. No, I wasn't thirsty--but I suppose my skin was. I wanted a damn shower. You can deprive me of sleep, give me too much to do, watch me fail at life and meeting deadlines--just please let me have a scorching hot shower and bit of eye makeup.

By 3:30, I was ready to shoot someone (like myself). Instead, I got everything finished up, skipped Reporting, and took one of the most fantastic showers of my life. Okay, every shower becomes the most fantastic shower of my life--work with me here. Anyway, after slipping into my favorite gray dress, I went to the mailroom. My sister had sent me chocolates and Special K with Berries cereal. Completely made up for my rotten day.

From there, it was grand semi-picnic and Black Market adventures with Sierra. I bought two new amazing, fantastic dresses (I had some store credit from bringing my own clothes in to trade).


How the hell did my blog go to "dear diary, this is what I did today" when I wanted to blog about my instant-gratification nature, hedonistic self, and the interesting movie I watched tonight?

I'm toned down, I suppose. I'll tone everything down. I've toned you down--I still tell everyone what a nice person you are.


Why am I suddenly directing my blog at people of my past? Silly me.

I'll just leave this with two thoughts. A) I'm glad I stayed in my room tonight, and didn't go outside to play. B) Even if Better than Chocolate is cliche and campy, it made me happy inside. My new favorite quote: Soft centers, hard centers. I like ALL the chocolates in the box.

Ha. Hmmm. I love chocolate. I wish I hadn't left the ones Meg gave me in the CT office.

01 February 2009

Borawski, born in 1947

I found this poem in a new book I bought (Gay & Lesbian Poetry in Our Time, even though I am neither a gay man nor a lesbian).

Invisible History
by Walta Borawski

my shrink told me it was unnatural to be
obsessed with the Nazi extermination of
homosoxeuals Look at me I'm normal he

said I sleep nights & I'm healthy enough
to listen to your stories & others worse than
yours & I still have sex & I'm Jewish so

what's with these nightmares pogroms find
yourself a hot guy to go to bed with or
do it on the floor of his car but

stop it with these death camps. I
knew he was right, that his people had
lost millions more than my people, but

piles of emaciated tortured worked-to-
death gassed-to-death clubbed-to-death
bodies resemble each other & they

resemble us Look at that man on top
of the others Look at his beard He
could be me. When I was six my

father first told me about liberation
of the camps by the Allies he was
US Army & they entered at

last & those bodies, he said those bodies.
By time I was 15 my eye doctor showed
mercy to me put me on sleeping pills

Circles round my eyes I told him I
couldn't sleep & when I did fall I
found myself behind wire--barbed,

or electric: my head shaved an empty
expression leering back at me at every-
one in this odd century of horror

so systematic so oragnized. I'll give you
these pills he said But don't abuse them
& cut out the fantasies, you're not even