I can't get enough of this.

Sometimes I lay under the moon
And I thank God I'm breathin'
Then I pray don't take me soon
'Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

It's not about win or lose 'cause we all lose
When they feed on the souls of the innocent blood
Drenched pavement keep on movin'
Though the waters stay ragin'

And in this life you may lose your way
It might drive you crazy
But don't let it phase you, no way

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

One day this all will change
Treat people the same
Stop with the violence down with the hate
One day we'll all be free and proud
To be under the same sun
Singing songs of freedom like

I want to see clearly

These last two days have been so incredibly soul enriching. The conversations I've had have been stimulating, comforting, and rejuvenating. It's just been a very happy two days, despite being incredibly tired yesterday. I've had pretty bad insomnia, then Tuesday night I got 2.5 hours of sleep. Adding that previous nights of insufficient sleep made Wednesday seem hazy and potentially terrible. The beautiful conversations, both yesterday and today, completely made up for it.

And tonight when I got back from dumpster diving (no, we didn't find anything) I talked with a near-stranger and learned about social work for an extensive amount of time. Then Kelly, TD and I went back to my room and fingerpainted to a jazz record. It was lovely and silly--my two favorites. We wanted to take pictures, but all of our hands were ridiculously wet with paint. Kelly and I used our combined mad skill and arms to twist the doorknob open without using our fingers, and we all traipsed out into the hall in hopes of finding someone to take our picture. Luckily someone was walking out in the hall, and we asked them to pretty please take our picture. We took lots of goofy ones before washing the colors down the sink (well our Good Samaritan dorm-mate took the pictures).

They didn't save. My memory card had been stuck in the side of my computer the entire time. Normally I would say FAIL without thinking, but what's so fail about it? We had an amazing time that we can still remember, even if pictures would have enhanced that process. But lack of enhancement is not the same as negation.

Mr. Blake, relaying a story he heard once, grabbed a blank piece of paper and put a dot in the very center with a pen. He held it up for the rest of our Conflict and Peacemaking class to see. "What do you see?" he asked. Most people will look, zero in on the center of the paper and say "a dot." Yet the dot is only 2% of the page--the remaining 98% of the page is blank space. Similarly, it seems we're so prone to negate the positive with tunnel vision and concentration on the negative. And that seems like a silly, not-so-good-for-the-soul-or-society way to go about life. I want to stop living like that. Not just feel happy or positive, but intentionally see the happy and positive. That doesn't mean ignoring the fact that bad things exist, but seeing it as a part rather than the whole. Also deciding which (the good or the bad) is more important to spend time on and with.

So, dear happy events--I love you. How beautiful these last few days have been.

Science and Buddhism/Meditation

 I found this excerpt about an article dealing with the interactions of the right and left side of the brain on The Buddhist Blog:

Enlightenment has been described in many ways, but what is common to most descriptions of enlightenment is a change in the sense of ‘self,’ and a sensation of a release from suffering. An enlightened person is said to no longer identify with herself as the individual she once was. She is also said to no longer experience negative thoughts.

Our feeling part of our Self is located in the limbic system, in this case the amygdala. In most people, the left side feels pleasure or positive emotions, and the right side experiences negative emotions. In each case, the right (positive) and left (negative) components are synaptically ‘wired’ to each other. Thoughts and emotions are communicated back and forth between both sides of the the brain along the synapses. Now here is where meditation impacts these processes. Most meditative practices involve techniques to de-emphasize, defuse or reduce negative thoughts. Over the long term, what this means in the brain is that the transmission of electrical impulses into both the right side (negative) of both the amygdala and hippocampus is reduced. Fewer negative feelings and thoughts, less activity along those pathways.

Published studies support the idea that long term meditation works by ‘starving’ the brain of negative emotions and expectations. So meditation not only trains us not to respond as intensely and frequently to negative thoughts and emotions, it also causes an ‘atrophying’ of our brain’s ability to process those thoughts and emotions. But the caveat here, is that it takes a lot of consistent practice over the long term.

I want to live like this

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I 
may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Fishies :-)

Claudia hooked me up with three lovely guppies (I think that's what they are called) and a slew of snails. I'm very excited! I've been trying to think of what to name the fish (The Three Musketeers seemed to glorify violence too much for my taste). Although I don't believe in the traditional, literal implications of Buddhist mythology, I'm completely intrigued by mythology in general. When it comes to Buddhist mythology, it is very easy for me to transfer their words of a literal spiritual presence into a metaphor for what the particular bodhisattva represents. I also believe in the power of our choices, and what sort of energy we choose to put out into the world.

With this in mind, when I found the name Tara I was pretty excited.

Sunlight for the soul--forget chicken soup

Something I need:

(from post secret)

And something I like: 

(Andrea Gibson)

WWOOF

Over a holiday break (I don't remember if it was Thanksgiving or Christmas), I was started thinking about what I want to do this summer if I can't go to Europe. Which, because of money, I probably won't. I'm really interested in community living, and started looking at communes (not the creepy cult ones) and the like. I have a list saved as an unpublished blog post somewhere, but none of them seemed to fit exactly what I was looking for.

Today, Sierra told me about WWOOFing.

I need to stop messing around and do homework.

"It's not about what body you're in. It's about just souls trying to get by." Even though Lucy Lawless was talking about a new television show, it applies to life. As C.S. Lewis says, "You don't have a Soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."

(I hear in my mind all of this music, and it breaks my heart)

You're dreaming my life
or maybe it's just
living my dream

But if God exists,
I'd just be a figment
of her imagination

What else is reality
but a stream of words?
Representations
of thoughts, of meaning

(If God exists)
She spake, thought,
brought us into
existence
we're all probably
burrowed up in her brain

Her eyes stare through
Casiopia's brow
because heaven
surely doesn't lie
through Orion's belt
if God is a woman.

Then again,
if God were a woman
and she was dreaming my life
and your life
and the lives
of humanity

Well, someone surely
should wake her
from that awful
nightmare.

Linkage.

Haha, this facebook group (parody) is awesome. It reminds me of Questions for Heterosexuals.

So silly: the whole idea that someone can hate true (aka non-destructive, reciprocated) love, in the name of Love (G-d is Love, no?). Seems a bit contradictory to me--then again so does my decision to remain at Union College.

On another note, this website still manages to rock my world.

This makes me sick

Texas man faces execution after jurors consult Bible to decide fate

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/6338320/Texas-man-faces-execution-after-jurors-consult-Bible-to-decide-fate.html

Have you seen my Satori anywhere? I can't seem to find it...

Yay for Ortner Center computers and not noticing the "Please limit your time at the computers to 10 min." sign. Oops.

I started a new blog called Cosmic Enlightenment, which is centered around my spiritual journey: http://cosmicsatori.blogspot.com/

We'll see where it goes, and how that path will influence this blog. Maybe it won't.

I should probably get off this computer before campus security comes after me. Ha. Okay, maybe we should go with realistic scenerios. I better get off this computer before I waste any more time online.

Wednesday's Quote

One day Ananda, who had been thinking deeply about things for a while, turned to the Buddha and exclaimed:

"Lord, I've been thinking--spiritual friendship is at least half of the spiritual life!"

The Buddha replied: "Say not so, Ananda, say not so. Spiritual friendship is the whole of the spiritual life!"

Samyutta Nikaya, Verse 2

Tuesday's Quote of the Day

"Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes it obstructs your vision."
Hsi-Tang

Quote of the Day <3

I think between regular blog posts, I'm going to pick a new favorite quote to share. I have lots of new favorites (-:

Let your love flow outward through the universe,
To its height, its depth, its broad extent,
A limitless love, without hatred or enmity.
Then as you stand or walk,
Sit or lie down,
As long as you are awake,
Strive for this with a one-pointed mind;
Your life will bring heaven to earth.
Sutta Nipata

oohhhmm

I just finished meditating--something that's a lot harder than it sounds. The even breathing I can do. Imagining a flame and focusing on the top point of that flame isn't so hard to do. It's the whole "eyes-half-closed" that I struggle with.

Five years (two years, one year) ago I wouldn't have even considered meditating. My best friend from home is here to visit, and I've come to realize how much I've changed in--well, even just the past year.

Before, I obsessed over snowboarding and everything that entailed. Now, I've realized there's a world beyond snow-capped mountains. And this new world suucks :-( So many people are suffering, and I just want to make it stop (or at least make them not hurt as much). I want to live in harmony with the myself, nature, and other people.

I was in the mall today and just felt completely overwhelmed by a) the ridiculousness of the value we place on name-brand, new items b) the clones that make up humanity. I'm so tired of meeting people who conform for the sake of conforming, or try so hard not to conform for the sake of not conforming. Nobody is original, no matter how much we delude ourselves into thinking we are. Nobody lives to simply exist, or wears clothes because they just love how it feels. We're all just so caught up in this image that society feeds us from birth--binary: sexes, orientations, styles, religious views (god or no god), genders, relationships (monogamous or nonmonogamous, platonic or romantic), etc. We care so much about the aesthetic sort of things and not enough about anything else--you know, like people being tortured or the way we're slowly murdering Mother Earth? Thoughts on what reality is, or maybe just thoughts in general? I'm not saying I'm immune. I'm just saying I hate the fact that this is how pathetic we are, pathetic and plastic. How pathetic and plastic I am.

Wow, I need to stop ranting (especially because it probably doesn't even make sense). I think it just boils down to being lonely. I've found how to be at peace with myself, and in turn with the world, but then out of the blue I'll get hit with a tsunami wave of feeling disconnected. Tonight I was in a room full of people, and felt more lonely than I had all day. For once, I'd like to talk about more than Johnny Depp, the weather, or difficult classes. But maybe it's just a matter of priorities and interests, of which mine differ from most people at Union.

Belinda (my friend from home) and I, it seems, barely have anything in common anymore (besides nerdy TV shows). Sure, it's fun to hang out. If we were meeting for the first time, though, I doubt we'd be very tight. There are no deep conversations, common thoughts on impacting the future, shared musical or fashion styles, etc. It's not even that tho--I've just forgotten how she puts me down in front of everyone else (Yes, I realize how much of a Jew nose I have. No, I don't suck at everything I try to do). I used to laugh, and make fun of myself too--but now, I don't. Or maybe I do, but it's just weird now when she does it instead of natural.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. In short, hanging out with Belinda has made me realize how much I've changed since high school. I'm not really interested in going back--back to ignorant, shallow, and uncaring. I love the place I'm at now, with coffee shop/art galleries/second hand store adventures (yay for this week!). I just wish someone would come a long and enjoy these adventures with me--someone who will break the freaking box open instead of sleeping in it, someone who will fuck society's definitions and binary system of existing.

Or at least someone that would just meditate with me.

Hey there [God], What's it like in [Heaven] City? I'm a thousand miles away, but oh tonight you look so pretty.

I've been thinking a lot about G-d recently. God. god. So many questions, questions, questions swirling in my head. Born into an Adventist family, I've grown up (usually) believing in an omniscient, male heavenly power. If I'd had Muslim, Hindu or Buddhist parents I'm sure my religious views would differ drastically. I hate that. I don't want to believe--let myself believe, force myself to believe—something for the sake of ease and tradition.

Like any other person, I've had my moments of doubt concerning The Man Upstairs. Except, my moments have stretched to years. It's healthier, I think—or will be in the long run. I need to understand, know and discover for myself where truth lies. I'm pretty sure I believe in a god, but beyond that I'm not certain. Even that, I'm not entirely certain.

On Friday a friend asked me what questions I had concerning the whole God-and-Bible thing. I've decided to list them as I think of them right now, however incomplete my thoughts are. Some are from notes I scribbled down during church a month or two ago.

In no particular order:

- Is God male, female or androgynous?
-If He can also be referred to as She (as I'm inclined to believe), why not Goddess? Why does that carry distinctly negative connotations in the Christian community (not just why, but why must it?)
-Is gender, or even sex, important to God? (sex=biological aspects; gender=psychological aspects/identity and societal applied values/norms)
-If gender is indeed gone (NKJV Gal. 3:28 "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus."), then how can acting on same-sex desires, cross-dressing or changing sex be wrong?
-For that matter, even if gender is not gone, is any of the above wrong or are the alternative translations (and historical information) to the "anti-gay versus" I've read correct? (for example http://www.godmademegay.com/Letter.htm)
-If it's true that G-d—the G-d that supposedly is love—condemns love between consenting adults or true identity-expression, can I ever learn to love that G-d?
-Why is monogamy "the only way" and non-monogamous situations in the Bible overlooked/discarded as unimportant during study? For that matter, as monogamy seems based in religion, why does mainstream/secular America also adhere to and only accept that norm?
+I'm surprised almost all non-monogamous relationships (such as below) are shunned by those who don’t believe in religious texts forbidding it.
*polyfidelity/faithful (polyamorous group marriage/relationship where all are faithful to each other—Ménage à trios, a relationship or domestic arrangement in which three people share a sexual/romantic relationship, fits under this)
*polygany (man with multiple wives/women)
*polyandry (woman with multiple husbands/men)
- Does God “control the events of the world?” If G-d created this reality, is that the control referred to or does “He” hand drip every single rain drop?
- How can God love peace? The Old Testament seems to suggest that He doesn’t.
- Is God perfect or imperfect (and why do people argue that if He exists, then He must be perfect)?
+ NKJV 1 Corinthians 1:25 “Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.”
+ What is perfection? Can you have a weakness (or be foolish) and still be perfect? Does God have a weakness or have any foolishness?
- Should politics be mixed with religion? God seemed to encourage it in the OT (kill the inhabitants of the land because they “aren’t My children/don’t follow Me,” then take over the land and live in it—me paraphrasing what seems like lots of instances).
- Is the true G-d the one I see, or have I (and Christianity) created an image of Him that is more agreeable to my/our liking?
- If Satan is real, does that automatically make God real?
+ My great-grandpa was an exorcist in Puerto Rico and many scary, real stories have been passed down.
+ A close family friend had a grandmother that was a witch doctor in Ghana, and she had scary, real stories about evil supernatural forces to share too.
- How can someone hear God and be certain it’s not just their subconscious?
- Is anything beyond agnosticism (attitude affirming the uncertainty of all claims to ultimate knowledge) truly possible?
- Why did G-d punish people for stupid stuff, like that poor guy who caught the Ark of the Covenant and was killed?
- If it is the heart of man that matters, why were extravagant places of worship required in the Old Testament?
- Speaking of which, why was any of that stuff in the Old Testament required?

So there’s a tiny peek into the mind of Hannah. Scary, I know. Please don’t get the wrong impression. I don’t not believe in God, I simply want to explore what my faith has been founded on all these years.

I don’t want people to just tell me, I want proof. I want to read the texts, learn about historical background, context, intended audience, author and any other relevant information. I want to talk it out with nonjudgmental people.

Most of all, I don’t want my mom or dad stumbling on this information just yet. I’m bad at translating thoughts to words, and don’t feel like going through another “let’s hit Hannah over the head with these random Bible verses” session. I had enough of that over Thanksgiving break, thanks.