30 December 2008

EUREKA! (the day realization hit Hannah)

Christmas break has been fantastic. Stop--now, please note the has been. Okay, it still is pretty great (unlike Thanksgiving break, which I won't go into now).

Since the moment I've gotten home it's been nothing but bum-bliss. How could a week of NOTHINGNESS not be perfect? This last semester was spent with my brains splattered on the walls of the ClockTower office and my body running around campus like some creepy Halloween story. Ummm...okay, that was a terrible (not to mention gross) metaphor and analogy. What I meant to say is that last semester was stressful.

When I realized Christmas break was my goof-off, anti-social (to an extent. I'm Hannah--how anti-social can I really manage to be?), lazy-woman's paradise, I took full advantage of it.

Um. Okay, now what? I'm paradised-out. It's been fantastic, but now I just want to be back in my dorm room in Lincoln, Nebraska. Honestly, I want to be organizing something right now. Preferably the book shelf I haven't build yet (can anyone teach me to do that?). Yeah, I have those two articles (omg, Christian Record Services asked to write an article for Lifeglow, their large print magazine! Okay, lame--probably. I'm excited though 'cuz they actually went out of their way to ask me! ... Gushing moment is over) I need to do once I return and... well, I could list all the other stuff (like getting back to being a good worker at the MCd, instead of crap-o-Hannah for instance) but it's not important. Actually, maybe it is what's important. It's those "sure-to-stress-me-out" things I'm ready (eager!) to be bombarded by again.

I'm so ready to stop spending entire days lazying around watching TV and playing games. Well, the watching TV bit anyway. Stir crazy, cabin-fever; I don't care what you call it, that's me.

I'm so ready to start: listening to Ani DiFranco (or my new records!) again, reading about sexism in language instead of stare at a telivision screen, feeling productive, creating something, discussing ideas instead of watch them, talking to Campus Ministries about the whole ENGLAND thing, reading my Intro to Psych textbook, using my planner a month in advance, getting ORGANIZED, making amazing food with Kaley, drinking way too much coffee (is it bad I crave coffee shops along with the coffee?), planning crazy things with Amnesty and PSJ, etc.

Over all, I miss Nebraska and feeling like I make a difference (or at least like I'm on a mission) instead of the whole couch-potatoe charade. Last semester, I did a shitty job of pretty much everything. My grades sucked because I put ClockTower and work above classes, and those latter sucked (CT, MCd) because I let myself get unmotivated and unorganized. Thank you Christmas break for giving me that boost to fix my mistakes and get moving.

Then again, I'm not back in Nebraska yet so maybe I'll watch just a bit more Eureka. A little TV never hurt anyone, right? It's Christmas break...

26 December 2008


Ouch. I look the other way as she slides the needle into my extended arm. Tubes run from my chest and stomach to various machines. Moniters on my finger and throat feel heavy, and the oxygen prongs make my nose twitch.

"How are you doing?" she asks, and I smile.
"I'm doin' great," I lie--is it a lie?--as the cuff on my arm begins to contract once again. Two other women come in, busy I'm sure.

"Are you a smoker? Are you HIV or AIDS positive? Do you have..." words I can't pronounce spill out of her mouth as she runs through a terribly long checklist.

He enters the room and throws out a quick "ready?" I don't remember answering, but I must have mumbled consent. He pulls out another one of those damn needles. Needles. I cringe.

"So you go to school in Nebraska?" he tries out some small talk while lifting one of the tubes connected to my body. I watch as whatever he injected poofs into the IV bag before apparently disappearing.

The ground begins to shift slightly. My eyes flutter.
Nothing. Silence.


I wake. Touch my numb jaw. Damn toothfairy has stolen my wisdom.

16 December 2008

Birds do it, bees do it | Even educated fleas do it

Since yesterday's blog was like wading through an ocean full of murky sludge (i.e., unenjoyable), I'm going to put on some Eartha Kitt and dance around like a fool. Or at least think about happy things.

5 Things I Can't Wait to Do Over Christmas Break:
  • Make Christmas cookies with my sister
  • Have a Hanukkah party with the fam.
  • Play Evercrack with my dad
  • Celebrate Newmas (New Years + Christmas) with the Chelsea, Palidon, Johnny and my bestie Belinda (stokedX3)
  • Go snowboarding at Tyrol (for free!)

* Blog title taken from Eartha Kitt's "Let's Do It" lyrics

15 December 2008

Hey there [God], What's it like in [Heaven] City? I'm a thousand miles away, but oh tonight you look so pretty.

I've been thinking a lot about G-d recently. God. god. So many questions, questions, questions swirling in my head. Born into an Adventist family, I've grown up (usually) believing in an omniscient, male heavenly power. If I'd had Muslim, Hindu or Buddhist parents I'm sure my religious views would differ drastically. I hate that. I don't want to believe--let myself believe, force myself to believe—something for the sake of ease and tradition.

Like any other person, I've had my moments of doubt concerning The Man Upstairs. Except, my moments have stretched to years. It's healthier, I think—or will be in the long run. I need to understand, know and discover for myself where truth lies. I'm pretty sure I believe in a god, but beyond that I'm not certain. Even that, I'm not entirely certain.

On Friday a friend asked me what questions I had concerning the whole God-and-Bible thing. I've decided to list them as I think of them right now, however incomplete my thoughts are. Some are from notes I scribbled down during church a month or two ago.

In no particular order:

- Is God male, female or androgynous?
-If He can also be referred to as She (as I'm inclined to believe), why not Goddess? Why does that carry distinctly negative connotations in the Christian community (not just why, but why must it?)
-Is gender, or even sex, important to God? (sex=biological aspects; gender=psychological aspects/identity and societal applied values/norms)
-If gender is indeed gone (NKJV Gal. 3:28 "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus."), then how can acting on same-sex desires, cross-dressing or changing sex be wrong?
-For that matter, even if gender is not gone, is any of the above wrong or are the alternative translations (and historical information) to the "anti-gay versus" I've read correct? (for example http://www.godmademegay.com/Letter.htm)
-If it's true that G-d—the G-d that supposedly is love—condemns love between consenting adults or true identity-expression, can I ever learn to love that G-d?
-Why is monogamy "the only way" and non-monogamous situations in the Bible overlooked/discarded as unimportant during study? For that matter, as monogamy seems based in religion, why does mainstream/secular America also adhere to and only accept that norm?
+I'm surprised almost all non-monogamous relationships (such as below) are shunned by those who don’t believe in religious texts forbidding it.
*polyfidelity/faithful (polyamorous group marriage/relationship where all are faithful to each other—Ménage à trios, a relationship or domestic arrangement in which three people share a sexual/romantic relationship, fits under this)
*polygany (man with multiple wives/women)
*polyandry (woman with multiple husbands/men)
- Does God “control the events of the world?” If G-d created this reality, is that the control referred to or does “He” hand drip every single rain drop?
- How can God love peace? The Old Testament seems to suggest that He doesn’t.
- Is God perfect or imperfect (and why do people argue that if He exists, then He must be perfect)?
+ NKJV 1 Corinthians 1:25 “Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.”
+ What is perfection? Can you have a weakness (or be foolish) and still be perfect? Does God have a weakness or have any foolishness?
- Should politics be mixed with religion? God seemed to encourage it in the OT (kill the inhabitants of the land because they “aren’t My children/don’t follow Me,” then take over the land and live in it—me paraphrasing what seems like lots of instances).
- Is the true G-d the one I see, or have I (and Christianity) created an image of Him that is more agreeable to my/our liking?
- If Satan is real, does that automatically make God real?
+ My great-grandpa was an exorcist in Puerto Rico and many scary, real stories have been passed down.
+ A close family friend had a grandmother that was a witch doctor in Ghana, and she had scary, real stories about evil supernatural forces to share too.
- How can someone hear God and be certain it’s not just their subconscious?
- Is anything beyond agnosticism (attitude affirming the uncertainty of all claims to ultimate knowledge) truly possible?
- Why did G-d punish people for stupid stuff, like that poor guy who caught the Ark of the Covenant and was killed?
- If it is the heart of man that matters, why were extravagant places of worship required in the Old Testament?
- Speaking of which, why was any of that stuff in the Old Testament required?

So there’s a tiny peek into the mind of Hannah. Scary, I know. Please don’t get the wrong impression. I don’t not believe in God, I simply want to explore what my faith has been founded on all these years.

I don’t want people to just tell me, I want proof. I want to read the texts, learn about historical background, context, intended audience, author and any other relevant information. I want to talk it out with nonjudgmental people.

Most of all, I don’t want my mom or dad stumbling on this information just yet. I’m bad at translating thoughts to words, and don’t feel like going through another “let’s hit Hannah over the head with these random Bible verses” session. I had enough of that over Thanksgiving break, thanks.

14 December 2008

I've got more than one membership | To more than one club | And I owe my life | To the people that I love

I think I have a problem--and I'm not talking about wearing a flimsy dress in the middle of December (although that's a problem too. Next time I don't feel like wearing jeans, slap me).

That whole love thing. Who created it anyway? It's seriously screwed up. Or maybe I'm just seriously screwed up.

There's this guy (ok, maybe a couple) who seem to really like me. Nice guys, guys who are into many of the same things I am. They speak my love language (gifts and words), and have the potential to be great for a relationship.

Enter my problem, stage left.

I'm not into them. Looking back, I really never have been into their type. It's always been the Unattainble that I drool over (not literally, that's just gross). I remember this one guy during highschool. For two and a half years I was crazy about him, and for two and half years he had a girlfriend (no, we never did anything). Before that, it was the guy who was "in love" with my best friend (she wasn't into him at all). Although I don't CARE for people in more than the platonic sense very frequently, I do easily develop tiny crushes.

These crushes only seem to be on people that I know I'll never have a chance with.

Am I too picky? Do I have commitment issues? Do I like the chase? Do I just enjoy being miserable?

Four silly, silly different crushes that will never pan out:

- Two are taken (if only you knew--it makes me laugh)
- One doesn't swing that way
- And another lives too far away

At least this problem of mine makes life interesting.
Or gives me fodder for a boring blog.

* blog title taken from Ani DiFranco's "In or Out" lyrics

13 December 2008

other days the line tends to deviate

I'd say I have writer's block, but I think being a writer is necessary for that to apply. Some people claim I've got gift for words: I'm ClockTower editor, so I must be a master of writing things down; I've been published a few times, which means I must be talented; I work for the PR department of school, so I must know what I'm doing.

Not so much.

I don't like writing, but I adore words. Reading them, learning about them--maybe I should get one of those "word-a-day" calendars. Or maybe not.

It's almost 11 a.m., and I'm off to New Creation.

4:03 p.m.--post-nap.

Since I'm at loss for words, I'll provide you with some from my newest favorite girl: Ani DiFranco. She even ranks up there with Tegan and Sara--which is saying a lot.

Asking Too Much

i want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
i want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me go, you know
i never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?

i want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
if you hear me talking
listen to what i'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what i'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the silences i wrote
don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
i'm tired of being the interesting one
i'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and i might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
i want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
i want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
i want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words i want someone
who's not afraid of themself

do you think i'm asking too much?