31 January 2009

South Street Plaza Adventures

Sometimes I get shy--especially when it comes to good-looking strangers looking at me. Sometimes I avoid eye contact and have minor "what should I do?" panick attacks. I never, ever offer them my phone number.

Unless, of course, they happen to be an interesting boy with long hair working at Open Harvest. I don't even know his name. Interesting facts? I can at least supply a few of those. He's been a vegetarian since he was five, vegan for the last three weeks and longboards.

I doubt he'll call, and almost don't want him to. Sometimes hiding behind shyness is so much easier than saying hello.

(I still can't believe I gave him my phone number. Can I blame it on the fantastic blue skies and energizing air? Better than drugs.)

28 January 2009

Unedited editorial I wrote last semester

A rush of hot water pours through my fingers—each tiny droplet tingling on fresh skin. How can I start? I glance up at the bathroom mirror, palms still thrust beneath the luxurious flow of liquid. Somber green eyes gaze back from the reflection on the wall. What can I say that will make people care? How do I show them that the world is full of hurt they can help fix?

I think about all the teens that will commit suicide because someone threw out hateful words (such as the socially acceptable “fag” and “that’s gay.” Suicide rates for gay teens are four times that of their straight peers).

I think about the Middle Eastern immigrants and descendents who are subject to harsh prejudice (One boy’s father was shot buying groceries because someone thought he “looked like a terrorist”).

I think about the silent victims of abuse and rape—can we teach you to scream? Can we help you speak out against what’s been done to you and aid in prevention?

I think about the countries suffering from water-shortages, where children pass on a cup of water because “it’s not their day to have a drink.” How much water do we waste? How much water do I waste?

My reverie ends as I glace down to soaked hands; eyebrows lift. Quickly, I shut off the water. How will you start?

“It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little - do what you can.”
-Sydney Smith


I saw an amazing documentary today that almost made me cry. I ordered two copies so I can send one to my parents.

Today was fantastic. Not because of anything in particular (although Anyone and Everyone was amazing). I just woke up happy. Now I'm listening to Anais Mitchell and wasting time trying to upload pictures to myspace and facebook.

Speaking of pictures, here are the TOMS photos I promised a few blogs ago.

25 January 2009

The Million You Never Made*

Today I did nothing. Woke up late, ate at Grateful Bread, went to Open Harvest, spent too much time sitting at Meadowlark with Sierra.

It was lovely... and terrible. You can tell it's almost February, my not-new-year-resolutions are waning. I'm starting to suck at life again. I have so much due tomorrow/this week. Case statement, reading guides, article for work, article for Lifeglow, CT stuff, graphic arts stuff, student missionary package 1. I haven't been using my schedule book. I don't know if that was my first step down into mayhem, or MLK day weekend.

No more fun for me, I'm putting on my business face. But nothing is so wonderful, beautiful and spirits-lifting. Why can't I keep nothing and still get everything accomplished? If only I could multi task laziness and productivity.

*Ani DiFranco song title

23 January 2009


Life has been kind nutso lately. By nutso, I mean stressful and oddly depressing. Not so much right now :-)

I saw I'm Not There for the first time. Mother freaking incredible. Bob Dylan? Yes, please. So many times I wanted to freeze the movie and drop the picture on my wall. Next, Sierra and I watched Across the Universe. By itself, AtU is fantastic. Be a bit off, and it's kind of--eyegasm mixed with eargasm? Afterward, Sierra and I had another one of our epic conversations. I miss hanging out with her and talking about things so candidly. Crazy things. Taboo. Nothing. Everything. What is. What isn't. What could be. Fluidity. Transperancy.

Ideas, theories and contemplations are better than chocolate. Open mindedness should be only a step down from air.

Where the hell are all the people that agree with that?

20 January 2009

Kate Nash would describe this as "merry | very, very happy"

I couldn't seem to the shake the smile that followed my face around all day. And why would I want to? There's a fantastic new President kicking it in the White House, and the inauguration ceremony was beautiful. The prayers (national political event, anyone?) did toss me through a loop--but I'm used to diving past them. President Obama. How could I not love a man that talks about respecting the environment and doing our part to ease the intense suffering of others?

"The only thing that could make this day better is if we had blue skies," I told Scott. A few hours later the gray disappeared to match my mood. "You should have wished for world peace," he said.

Maybe I should have. I think we may have finally found the right road, though, so I'll forgo wishes today and just continue playing hide and seek with my grin.

18 January 2009

"Girl put that record on, play my favorite song" (or something like that)

Despite having a very lovely day downtown with Michael (Chipotle, The Spindle, A Novel Idea, The Black Market/The Public, and Meadowlark. Yay!), I have three major complaints right now.

1) The "Love is Blue: Great Songs of the '60s" record set I bought today from The Spindle contains some fantastic songs (Ode to Billie Joe, for example). Unfortunately, it only contains the music from those songs. No fun words about jumping off the Tallahatchie bridge :-(

2) LIGHTS! I'm not asking for a camera or even action (welllll), but can't we do something about these bright ceiling fixtures? The kitchen and the laundry rooms' lights are always being left on. To what point and purpose? I mean, besides to annoy me and waste lots of energy of course.

Haha, actually it doesn't even make me mad--I'm just in a ranting mood for some reason. It does kind of bother me in a "I wish people realized how much they could do just by flipping the switch" way, but not so much in an "arrrrg" way.

3) I don't remember. It must not be that important (not that anything I ever write about is important though). Oh yeahh, that everything (and by everything, I mean Bread & Cup) is closed on Sundays.

Okay, enough ranting. I'm actually in a good mood so I'll gush instead. Three current non-complaints:

1) Even though the records I forked out my measly moneys for have no words, the music is very relaxing. I like it.

2) Meeting new people is fantastic! So remember that hot guy I mentioned in my last post? I officially met him today when Michael and I stopped by The Public (which is inside The Black Market). Now it's official that we're friends--facebook told me so. He's freaking rad (even if he does have a fiance, lol)! The world needs more radtastic people who have (veggie) sushi on Sundays :-p I also met a lady (a regular at Meadowlark) who is going to teach me to crochet :-)

3) I think I'm going to TRY to make a shoulderbag out of TOMS flags. I'm not sure how well that will work. I'm hoping Jesse will let me kife some out some TOMS boxes, otherwise I doubt two flags will go very far.

17 January 2009

"I believe in days ahead"

Tonight has been the best I've had in a long time. I feel so at peace with myself and, to be incredibly cliched, the world.

It began with a trip to The Black Market with Kaley, Brennan and Josh. I finally got my pair of vegan (no leather insoles) TOMS shoes :-) I also bought Kaley a pair as her long-promised Christmas present. The guy that helped us out was extremely good looking in that unique-style way. Kaley thought he might be gay. I didn't get much of a fem vibe, but she said she did. Then she said maybe he's bi, and of course I grew excited. Maybe there's half a chance ;-) I wish there were more people that wanted to make a difference in the world (he was all stoked about TOMS and stuff. Each time you purchase a pair of TOMS, they donate a pair to children who don't have any shoes).

We went to Old Chicago from there (mmm pizza. We ordered half without cheese. I'm trying very hard to go vegan, but I'm not sure how well I'm doing). Ashley, Erich and Megan joined us at the end.

Crescent Moon, two doors down, was next. The place was packed due to the weekly live jazz performance. We wound up at a table and played card games till 11. I learned how to play indian poker, and how to lose lots of chocolate pieces by betting it all at the wrong times. It was a blast :-) I haven't played games or just hung out with people like this in such a long time (it feels like).

I also may have found a apartment-mate for the summer! We'll see if Brennan was serious or not.

When we got back to Union, Kaley convinced me to go down to the park with her (Megan ended up tagging a long). Haha we actually drove, so I stayed relatively warm. Got ride of some of my blacks. Felt utterly content. At peace.

All in all, I've had a lovely evening. I'm sitting here in my organic cotton nightshirt listening to Scissor Sisters (new musical love affair) and talking to an old best friend about stupid drama. The great thing, is I've decided to stop allowing my emotions play into it. I'm the one letting myself be negatively affected by things going on. I've also realized just because some people don't appreciate my insides, doesn't mean they're not pretty.

Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up and go to a favorite location: New Creation. Despite my views on things god-related, the community, atmosphere and thoughts prompted from the experience have transformed the place into my very own weekly heaven.

[[I'll post a picture of my new shoes soon. They are lovely. Plus I bought bamboo socks. Mmmm, comfort.]]

*Title taken from "Mary" lyrics by Scissor Sisters

16 January 2009

mood: x

Happy, goofy, hyper feeling gone :-(

"I don't spend this much time with someone for nothing," he said "You just seem pretty interested in ******* and I don't want to waste my time or yours."

Glad to know hanging out with me and being my friend is an effing waste of time, especially if they think they're not going to get any. I suppose I wouldn't be as unsettled if Mr. Stars (******, get it?) hadn't made me feel like shite earlier. It's kinda like the whole last straw type of thing.

I'm fucking sick of Beauty and Pleasure. Couldn't we all just live outside of our bodies? That'd be great. I'd love to be more than just this skin, these bones--I'd say muscle, but I haven't any.

I'm just always reminded of the time I liked this guy that liked my best friend. My mom told me maybe things would be different if I was more like my best friend, because she had "a beautiful soul"--or something to that effect.

Drusilla, in a Buffy episode (yes, I just said Buffy), asked Spike: "Do you love my insides, the parts you can't see?"

((and yes, I realize this post doesn't make much sense at all. It made me feel better though. Kind of.))

"and then I found twenty bucks"

Today wasn't very interesting, although a late night T-Bell run is always exciting :-) I'm in an incredibly goofy, hyper mood although now I'm winding down. Mmm, sleep sounds nice (as do a few other things).

Snippets from my day:

  • I wrote a news release (which I haven't done in FOREVS) for the new website. Yay for Union's new website! It's pretty.
  • Got called stylish and some other random compliment I can't remember. It made my night, even though I'm not actually stylish.
  • Broke my vegan streak with some Taco Bell. Ooops.
  • Mulled over what a relationship would be like with one of my gay male friends.
  • Felt unheard at a CT meeting.
  • Felt like a piece of meat. No f***ing thanks.
  • Hung out with a very pretty girl
  • Wished I had a teleporter that reached to Washington
  • Drank lots of Naked drinks. Mmmm, Naked.
  • Decided to stop writing a boring blog and put on my ORGANIC COTTON night shirt. I'm excited (my sister bought it for me. I felt loved).

Look at this pretty poem I found. It's so sad that it makes me happy.

A Modern Maid by Christine Hamm

Joan of Arc works at the Gap.
Her armor, nearly invisible under
the florescent light, catches on the sweaters
she folds, so that cashmere threads
follow her everywhere, a crimson cape.

She can’t remember how she got here:
most days, can’t remember her name when she gets up,
but knows where her keys are,
and what bus to take to work.

God speaks to her sideways,
flickering reflections in the
napkin dispenser at the diner,
upside down when she licks
the ice cream clean from her spoon.

Joan sees pinions behind her when she uses the ATM.
There’s angels, mostly angry and scary,
often white, and always in her dreams.
They smell like straw and milk...

Joan is sixteen.
She’s always sixteen.
She’s so blond her eyebrows disappear.
She has freckles and is serious,
chews off her lipstick.
She’ll heal you if you ask nice, and go back behind the chinos with her.
Her name means 'God is gracious.'
Sometimes when she’s stacking the perfume
called heaven
she remembers this is true.

14 January 2009

I think I'm going to put you back in your box, where everything is meaningless (or was it only me?), and watch the sunset on my own. Kate Nash isn't the only one who is dancing at discos and eating cheese on toast.

i wonder which road a mountain would choose

She sat high above an ocean, looking down at me. A boulder, firm against my cheek, left tiny drops of moister on my skin. I imagined she was speaking (were those silent tears?), in her own moutain-esque way.

Tourists came to gawk at her smooth curves and jagged edges. Deep rumblings constantly shattered the serene atmosphere as vehicles--from planes to boats to motorbikes--disturbed the tiny island.

I overheard several park rangers bemoaning the fact they couldn't move from the States to this newfound paradise. It was everything they'd ever dreamed of--she was their very own Mona Lisa (if the ML had been found instead of created).

Frigid walls made from natural formations were all that met their musings. I wandered farther from the crowds. A man sat among springtime grasses, his demeanor everything a tourist wasn't. The air itself was different. Could it be the ice mountain actually showing some warmth? I must be daft.

"I name you," he announced, charming smile a daring bait, "Beauty and Pleasure." A compliment, I'm sure. But why then, did the skies begin to darken? A raindrop landed on my nose.

The mountain was crying. I glanced up, taking in the beautiful sight her mere presence created--feeling pleasure as my eyes explored each crevice and corner. Perhaps Beauty and Pleasure is all you'll ever be, I whispered.

Years later I heard the impossible had been accomplished, a mountain had been moved. My mountain. No one knows who did it, or where she's gone. Perhaps a new tourist came, swept her from a supposed paradise and renamed her something enchanting like Te Amo. Or perhaps she still plays at Beauty and Pleasure for a different group of self-involved tourists.

Or maybe there never was a mountain on that tiny island anyway.

(I think we're all just a bunch of fucking mountains anyway. Or is it mountains just get fucked over anyway? I haven't quite figured it out. )

08 January 2009


i try first for gold, but don’t know where to dig. so i go out searching…searching…

the sound nearly slices ears from my head. the lack of sound. silence. stillness. but it’s so loud, yesterday’s ruckus seem to drop from the skies—dammit I can hear their cries.

can you see it twist? battered gray chains touch onto tattered canvas, creating a new space for artwork. where did those crayons go?

the emptiness crushes me and i can’t keep my ribs from exhaling—i’m exploding. if white were blood, this place’d be full of it.

the covered ground stares up at me, startled there’s a witness. a table’s weathered bark is sanded to perfection. i hate perfection and curl fists around frozen air.

my lips push out words silently, cracked and pained with each syllable. “you chased the children away, with their laughter and their tears.”

stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it.

glares are directed toward the angry clouds, sunshine their miserable prisoner. i take it all in…take in death disguised as a playground. take in winter disguised as death.

take it and give it to you. spring would have made a much better present.

07 January 2009

Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come. Corp. tee-shirt, stupid bloody tuesday. Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long*

I sit here, my torn plaid pants growing warm under a stubborn laptop. Maybe it's really all about stubborn eyelids. Last night I couldn't sleep. Tonight I'm wide awake. Score two for those damn sheep that can't stand to be counted. Score 0 for me. Actually, can I give myself 10 gold stars for all that I've accomplished today? I'm pretty damn proud (My room has stayed beautifully organized and bed made, I've gotten ahead in homework, showed up to work on time and got the final CT edits finished before curfew. Sounds lame and simplistic, but feeling this calm about everything is a once-in-a-life-time experience for me).

Enjoying all those warm and fuzzy feelings? Because there they go--chased off by my jumbled thoughts. I could type them, but then [he'd see] [she'd see] [they'd see] [ze'd see] [everyoneandyourmammawouldsee]. Why do I even have a blog if I can't write about how I feel? Except dammit, I think that's the problem. You have to know it to write it, or at least isn't that what they say?

And maybe it's a moral dilemma. Maybe it's just fancy thoughts in my head. Or perhaps it's just irrelavent. Maybe you're just irrelavent. They're all so irrelavent. If that's the case, then why are my thoughts so jumbled?

Screw this. I'm going to go catch some sheep.

*Title taken from The Beatles' "I Am the Walrus" lyrics

02 January 2009

A new year for ramblings

I could write something beautiful about a new year and the chance to start fresh--or somesuch jabber. I could spin out words as wonderous as the next blog--that's a lie. I'm incredibly sleepy after a day spent lounging in the most amazing coffee shop I've ever happened across (Monks in Dubuque, Iowa), reading about FTM and "radical gender transformation" while listening to a Barry Manilow record, and kicked butt as a gnome mage with Todd in WoW. Yeah, eventful day (not). Still, I happen to be tired, slightly crabby, but in the mood to post something new years-ish.

Sooo, here I go all Myspace on your ass....

In 2008 I've:

[ ] stayed single :-(
[X]made out in a car (Probably? I don't remember anything too hxc)
[ ] kissed in the snow (that sounds like a lovely use for snow tho)
[ ] kissed in the rain (does it look like I live the life of a chick flick?)
[X] was in love with a fool
[X] had my heart broken (I suppose serves me right for dating the KKK ;-)
[ ] broke someone else's heart
[X] kind of lost a friend (See above. Kalvin was one of my best friends)
[X] had a good relationship with someone (We did until middle of June, I think even if it ended waay after that)
[ ] questioned my sexual orientation (haha, nope)
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] thought you were pregnant
[ ] got married
[X] kissed someone of the same sex
[X] met someone that I will never forget (A lot of someones)
[ ] did something I regret (I try not to regret, but just learn and move on)
[X] lost faith in love
[ ] regained faith in love
[ ] kissed under mistletoe (not IRL haha)
[X] changed jobs (MCd to Subway to MCd)
[X] quit my job (Subway summer job)
[ ] dated a co-worker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/ daughter
[ ] got fired from my job
[ ] got straight A's
[X] met a teacher who I became friends with (Tanya is kind of the coolest)
[ ] met a teacher who I really hate
[ ] failed a class (haha, nope although Golf had me worried)
[X] cut class (Oops. Especially Weight Training)
[X] did something I was proud of (got published by Insight)
[ ] discovered a new talent
[X] proved myself (I CAN get the CT out weekly and on time...with lots of help from Brenda :-)
[X] embarrassed myself in front of the class. (whenever I open my mouth)
[X] was involved in something that I will never forget (PSJ)
[X] painted/drew a picture (Drawing for Everyone...eek)
[X] wrote a poem/song (I poet it up on Myspace--very badly)
[X] listened to music I couldn't stand (I was dating Kalvin, so yeah. Country.)
[X] double dipped
[ ] skinny dipped
[X] had a sleepover
[ ] went to a camp
[X] threw a surprise party (kinda)
[X] laughed till I cried
[ ] laughed till I peed my pants (um, ew?)
[X] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country :-(That will change this year!)
[X] visited another state
[ ] cooked a disastrous meal (well one lit on fire, but it didn't end disastrously. It ended yummily)
[X] lost something/someone important to me
[X] got a gift I love (OMG OMG OMG, yes. Record player, Buffy series, first season of Dark Angel, vegan/vegetarian cookbooks, month of WoW, mocccasins)
[X] realized something new about myself (Accepting myself is kind of key)
[X] highlighted/dyed my hair (I dyed it back to my original colour)
[ ] came close to losing my life
[ ] someone close to me died (not this year. RIP Estrella. Te extrano)
[ ] went to a wild party
[X] drank alcohol
[X] read a great book (Acheron and Bi Any Other Name)
[X] saw a great movie (The Secrets made me cry. Only other movie I've cried at was E.T.)
[X] did something that I wanted to tell everyone (I benched almost 80% of my weight after an entire semester of NOT working out!)
[X] experienced something new
[X] made new friends (mostly at Union. Yay Kaley :-)
[X] found out who your real friends are (if that can apply to family. Sometimes honesty's a bitch)
[ ] got in trouble with police (I think the longboarding/parking ramps incident happened in '07)
[X] had the time of your life (every day :-)
[X] danced
[X] fell out of love
[X] had a crush on someone
[X] swam in a pool
[ ] made a snowman (I don't really know how)
[ ] went sledding
[X] slept in past 2 pm (haha like this entire break)
[X] told someone you like them as more than a friend (I don't usually do that.)
[X] gone on vacation (Campmeeting. It sucked)
[ ] gone on vacation with a friend
[X] gone to a wedding
[ ] played strip poker
[X] danced in the rain (does in-game count?)
[ ] got in a car accident
[ ] seen someone get in a car accident
[ ] got in a fist fight (I'm just violent like that)
[X] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[X] missed someone (That was pre-summer)
[X] went to the hospital (yeah, lame ambulance and ER adventure)
[X] enjoyed this year overall (it was the hardest I've ever been through, mostly due to Thanksgiving break. It had fanastic moments though, ones I'd never want to erase. I think the best part was finding self-acceptance.)

Maybe in the next post I'll be all inspired by resolutions and create a piece of artwork with words. Or maybe not.