"Somethings gotta stop the flow"

I just saw a film. I want to insert an adjective like amazing, disturbing, heartwarming, dark, moving, or unpredictable. I don't know which one to choose, if any. I guess just Ink will do. I stumbled on it randomly, and almost didn't continue watching past a few minutes.

I decided to keep it playing after reading comments posted on Hulu's site like: "From watching the first fifteen minutes, I didn't think this movie was going anywhere. But thank goodness I didn't have anything else to do but watch the movie or else I would've missed a really great movie" and "it really took a while before the movie really picked up. This is one of those movies you'd really have to be patient with and stick with till you get it, otherwise, you'll miss how good it is in the end."

They were right. And I cried. Only two movies have ever made me cry (E.T. and The Secrets). I don't know if I want to watch it again any time soon. I just know I'm glad I watched it.

I just found this and thought it was lovely:

I'm staring at your words and absorbing them. I've taken them. I've swallowed them, but certainly not whole. Nobody can have all of your words, because I'm sure you're still thinking them. They just haven't made it to a piece of paper (or electronic confessional box) yet. And we can pretend to know one another, and I wonder how good or bad I am at pretending. I'm an awful liar, but wish I had time to try out for the spring production. Not because a play sounds terribly exciting, but just because I wonder what I can do. Do you ever wonder what you can do, where on the line of personal reality subjectivity becomes objectivity? I suppose it doesn't. So the me I know and the me you know--maybe they wouldn't even be friends. I wish I had your words in my hand. Not in my pocket, because they'd fall forgotten like all my lost dollars. Not in my mind, because there's too much swimming about (or maybe not enough) and your words will just drown one way or the other. Please place them in my hand, but not in the palm. Lay letters that shy away from non-ironic alliteration onto my fingertips. Symbols. I see you, but you're just symbolic of a friend I'd like to know. I'm going to stop staring at your words now.

One more final left

Fuck yeah.

From the Human Rights Campagin:

Great news today: marriage equality has just passed in Washington, D.C.!

It's a huge victory, and you should be proud – your support allowed us to invest tremendous staff time and resources into this fight. We did it, and I can't thank you enough.

But before we celebrate, I need your help. You may have heard that in a blatantly political move to prevent this vote the Catholic Archdiocese of Washington last month threatened to cut their social service programs if the bill passed.

I'm not making this up. They'd cut homeless shelters, food programs for needy families, and health services rather than provide equal benefits for employees in same-sex marriages. And now that the bill has passed, we need to make sure they don't follow through on their threat.

Tell Archbishop Wuerl not to play politics with the less fortunate – ask him to continue Catholic Charities' city-supported social services.

The Archbishop issued a very public threat last month designed to scare city officials into backing off their commitment to marriage equality.

Thankfully, heroic D.C. Council members in Washington didn't cave under pressure. They spoke numerous times with church officials in an effort to reach common ground, while moving forward with the legislation. But unfortunately, Archbishop Wuerl has refused to alter his official position.

The D.C. Council has stood up for fairness and equality. Now they need our help to make sure the neediest citizens of the city aren't forced to pay an unfair and cruel price.

Please ask the Archbishop not to use marriage equality as an excuse to hurt thousands of homeless and needy people in Washington, D.C.

Today's victory means a great deal, coming after marriage equality losses in New York and Maine. The bill now goes to the Mayor Adrian Fenty, who has promised to sign it. The U.S. Congress then has 30 days to review the legislation. After that window passes, the bill becomes law!

We will keep you updated as the bill progresses – and we will have to be vigilant even after the bill becomes law because the U.S. Congress can choose to intervene and overturn the law at any time – a loophole the radical right is bound to try to exploit.

For now, I thank you for standing strong – not only for marriage equality, but for all the citizens of Washington, D.C. during the holiday season.

Buddhist quote

In fact, everything we encounter in this world with our six senses is an inkblot test. You see what you are thinking and feeling, seldom what you are looking at.
Shiqin

This is intelligence?

Quiz result:

"Your strongest type of intelligence is Interpersonal. You thrive when thinking about people, social situations, and human interaction.

Your brain is roughly:

40% Interpersonal

20% Visual

30% Verbal

10% Mathematical"

Spring semester classes

In-depth reporting
I don't think I'll find this class very interesting, but it should still be somewhat enjoyable since Mennard is teaching it. One of my goals it improve my writing (I haven't figured out how yet), so maybe this will help. Then again, it probably won't.

Crises Public Relations
I know I usually try to avoid crises, but maybe this could be fun. I have no idea what sort of work or projects this will entail. Probably creating a crises plan for a fictional/local organization, but I don't even really know what that means. Oh, and it's a Mesnard class--I love her grading style. This is a plus.

Public Relations Campaigns
Jacque is teaching this (old boss--well not old, because she's young. Former?)! I'm pretty excited on one hand, but nervous on the other. What if I do bad? I'm not exactly the best student, and I hate it when that becomes painfully apparent to people I admire (read: I just feel like this might be Institutional Development all over again).

Approaches to World Lit
This will be my first Fitts class. Scared? Check. Ready to have my papers act as a canvas for his red pen? Check. Ready to hopefully learn a shit-ton? Check (I hope). One reason I'm actually super stoked about this class: I'll finally get to read the rest of Gilgamesh!

Technical Writing & Grant Proposals
I feel like I will learn to hate this class, but find it incredibly useful. I need to ask Mennard (yeah, I can't imagine him teaching this class either. It doesn't sound fun enough.) if we could integrate a project for Tiny Hands into the homework or special credit.

Conflict and Peacemaking
SO SO SO SO SO STOKED! Yeah, that was all-caps. With no punctuation (not that I ever use it right anyway). I've been wanting to take this class since my freshman year. Will it live up to my expectations? Probably not. Will I enjoy it anyway? Hell yeah. I just hope Mr. Blake treats this like--well, anything other than the last class I took from him. Editing wasn't so much fun.

------

I'm excited for next semester. I know each time I say I'm going to do well, but this time I really, really mean it. I've already told Chelsi my purposed schedule:

Mon-Thurs: nights, homework.
Fri night: Me-time.
Saturdays: (maybe church) homework.
Saturday night: Chelsi-time.
Sunday: (maybe Unitarian Church) homework.

I can do this. As long as I don't let myself slack off for a single assignment (because that's really how it starts), I should be able to save both my grades and my mind at the end of the semester.

Best ever:

"Today, I wore a red shirt to class. My history professor, in the middle of his lecture, stopped and pretended to shoot me. Playing along, I fell out of my chair and played dead. He then, with a completely expressionless face, told the class that if Star Trek taught us anything, it was to never wear red. He then went back to his lecture as if nothing happened. It was then that I knew I had picked the right college. MLIA"

"Let's pretend to be grown up, aware, adventurous."

Their laughter reflects awareness of an audience. Do they play the full-house to each other, or do we (sitting behind, invisible, preoccupied, silent)?

FML.

You'd think that in my third year of college, I would have learned to manage time and responsibilities. Why do I always do this to myself? I don't know how I'm going to salvage my rhetoric grade (or what's going to happen with my women & minority writer's grade). The irony? They are my two favorite classes and the two I've learned the most in. My engagement? 100 percent. Papers finished (or finish-able)? Fuck.

Not only am I concerned about having shitty grades, but getting lower than a C in Rhetoric would mean I'll have to re-take it. I can't afford that.

I thought this year would be different. At first, I was doing great. Then I met Chelsi and got behind. That new trend didn't end, just progressed despite efforts against it (not that it wasn't my fault, because it completely was. Including the reason my efforts weren't successful in the end; they fluctuated). I don't know how to deal. My mind feels a little bit like burnt, dried out toast. And it's not from drugs. Unless stress and papers are considered drugs. If so, maybe I should go to rehab.

You sing about touching the sky, instead of implications. Nobody sings about implications.

There are concepts floating around my mind, bumping into each other with such force I'm surprised each are not shattered. TropeofMarginalityEssentialismOriginoftheUniverseSymbolicViolenceCriticalRaceTheory...

The infinite lines they create press hard, through, down, around, beneath me. Can you feel the pressure building? Because once knowledge arrives, the force to do something about it quickly follows. Usually, however, the how remains MIA.

What's the Matter by Catie Curtis

I love this town you can see the stars at night
Even from downtown ‘cause there are no city lights
This town was my biggest fan
‘Til I was who I am

What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this girl
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world

I love this town the moon is dancing on the waves
And in the bars half of them are underage
People let a lot slip by
When they look a lot alike

What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this girl
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world

What if I am Black or Jew
Straight or queer mother of two
Run around in a hippie dress
Ride my bike in a leather vest
What’s the matter

I love this town where I climbed the apple trees
And that was me cheering for the hometown team
I’ve got something to give
In this town where I want to live

So what’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this girl
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be why be
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world
Why be afraid

I'll never get this life thing down to a science.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is sitting on my bookshelf, pressed tightly against The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

An hour ago, Jordan* posted a quote from Wallflower on his facebook page. I find the world's dancing, twisting, looping, tangled up humor quite interesting.

Kalvin, the only person I've ever loved, gave me Wallflower while we were still dating. The only other person I've been so utterly crazy about was Alanna (which is slightly ridiculous if you compare longevity of each relationship). I still haven't returned her copy of Unbearable Lightness. She placed the worn pages in my hand before flying off to El Salvidor for a summer spent building walls. It's not that I want to keep the text. It's a great novel, but I'd rather she take her books** back and return my orange-splashed painting. When relationships end, it becomes harder to get rid of whatever the other person gave you.

She, along with Kalvin, stay on my shelf. Perched. Looking down. The books are a photograph of twins formed from contrasting and inverted colors. Yet, Alanna's books don't just look--they touch (or punch?). She's still around, and enough time hasn't passed yet to make that fact irrelevant (unlike Kalivn). Often I wish she'd take back her memories, or at least the visual reminders of them.

I read somewhere that humans naturally search for and find connections where there are none. Of course, I see connections leading from Jordan's post as if they legitimately exist (I don't know that they're necessarily ironic, but I feel the same affects as if it were ironic humor). Here is a picture of how my mind is connecting ideas and events:

(Realized I liked girls -->) Jordan (gay) --> Kalvin (love) --> figure out I'm gay --> Alanna --> Jordan's quote --> Kalvin's book --> Alanna's book --> continue cycle.

And while these memories sometimes float to the surface of my thoughts, I wouldn't return to either Kalvin or Alanna. I'm happy. I don't often think of either of them. Some days, however, I see connections between events in my past that I can't ignore. I'm dropped, plopped and pushed back into the past with dates and feelings swirling like the vegan hot chocolate I'm about to make.

Now that I've expelled my thoughts, I bet I'll stop thinking about everything I wrote as soon as I hit "publish post." Once I express a (negative) feeling, it typically dissolves more rapidly than some chemistry experiment. Then again, what do I know about chemistry?

*I dated Jordan (very, very briefly) when I was thirteen or fourteen, and is the second guy I've been romantically connected to that's come out as gay once we matured.


**I also have her vegan cookbook.

Sleepless by Kate Havnevik*

Catch me as I fly
Passing by at night
Watch me as I go, outside
It's another world
When the moon is high
And the walking keeps,
Me breathing

Sleepless,
I shouldn't be here
Sleepless,
Twenty-four hours of searching

Down the narrow streeets
I can feel the breeze
Going small and tired, like me
Drink some more of this
Feel the morning bliss
Songs of airplanes in my head

Sleepless,
I shouldn't be here
Sleepless,
Twenty-four hours
Sleepless,
I have I have to keep walking
Sleepless,
Twenty-four hours of searching
Searching for my life

Sleepless,
Sleepless,
Oh sleepless,
Sleepless,
Sleepless


(*I finally was able to fall asleep this morning a little bit after 6 a.m. Insomnia sucks.)

I seem to be a very strong mix of archetypes 7 & 8

8 - the Asserter

My Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").

"I must be strong"

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• Stand up for yourself... and me.

• Be confident, strong, and direct.

• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

• Give me space to be alone.

• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am. (I don't really do much, if any, of that).

What I Like about Being an EIGHT

• being independent and self-reliant

• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

• being courageous, straightforward, and honest

• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

• upholding just causes

What's Hard about Being an EIGHT

• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

• never forgetting injuries or injustices (I don't really hold grudges. Except maybe against people like Hitler).

• putting too much pressure on myself

• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

EIGHTs as Children Often

• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

• are sometimes loners (this really only applied when I couldn't get my nose out of a good book)

• seize control so they won't be controlled

• figure out others' weaknesses (I have no idea if this was true or not, same with next two)

• attack verbally or physically when provoked

• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

EIGHTs as Parents

• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

• are sometimes overprotective

• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

7 - the Adventurer
My Enneagram type is SEVEN (aka "The Enthusiast").

"I am happy and open to new things"

Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.

• Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.

• Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.

• Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.

• Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.

• Don't tell me what to do.

What I Like About Being a SEVEN

• being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down

• being spontaneous and free-spirited

• being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.

• being generous and trying to make the world a better place

• having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures

• having such varied interests and abilities

What's hard about being a SEVEN

• not having enough time to do all the things I want

• not completing things I start

• not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career

• having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies

• feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship

SEVENs as Children Often

• are action oriented and adventuresome

• drum up excitement

• prefer being with other children to being alone

• finesse their way around adults

• dream of the freedom they'll have when they grow up

SEVENs as Parents

• are often enthusiastic and generous

• want their children to be exposed to many adventures in life

• may be too busy with their own activities to be attentive

Caramelo by Sandra Cisneros

"The soul never ages, the soul, ball of light tethered to that nuisance the body." (149)

"[A] life contains a multitude of stories and not a single strand explains precisely the who of who one is." (115)

"She and Soledad rolled homemade cigarettes, because cigarettes are what people need most when they are afraid." (134) What is America afraid of, we with our smokes and swagger?

"[Soledad] understood Eleuterio because she was as mute as he was, perhaps more so because she had no piano." (151)

"Wasn't a kiss the tug of a string, a ribbon, a dance, a thread looped and interlocked that began with the lips...?" (153)

"In that kiss, they swallowed one another, swallowed the room, the sky, darkness, fear, and it was beautiful to feel so much a part of everything and bigger than everything." (154)