I'll never get this life thing down to a science.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is sitting on my bookshelf, pressed tightly against The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

An hour ago, Jordan* posted a quote from Wallflower on his facebook page. I find the world's dancing, twisting, looping, tangled up humor quite interesting.

Kalvin, the only person I've ever loved, gave me Wallflower while we were still dating. The only other person I've been so utterly crazy about was Alanna (which is slightly ridiculous if you compare longevity of each relationship). I still haven't returned her copy of Unbearable Lightness. She placed the worn pages in my hand before flying off to El Salvidor for a summer spent building walls. It's not that I want to keep the text. It's a great novel, but I'd rather she take her books** back and return my orange-splashed painting. When relationships end, it becomes harder to get rid of whatever the other person gave you.

She, along with Kalvin, stay on my shelf. Perched. Looking down. The books are a photograph of twins formed from contrasting and inverted colors. Yet, Alanna's books don't just look--they touch (or punch?). She's still around, and enough time hasn't passed yet to make that fact irrelevant (unlike Kalivn). Often I wish she'd take back her memories, or at least the visual reminders of them.

I read somewhere that humans naturally search for and find connections where there are none. Of course, I see connections leading from Jordan's post as if they legitimately exist (I don't know that they're necessarily ironic, but I feel the same affects as if it were ironic humor). Here is a picture of how my mind is connecting ideas and events:

(Realized I liked girls -->) Jordan (gay) --> Kalvin (love) --> figure out I'm gay --> Alanna --> Jordan's quote --> Kalvin's book --> Alanna's book --> continue cycle.

And while these memories sometimes float to the surface of my thoughts, I wouldn't return to either Kalvin or Alanna. I'm happy. I don't often think of either of them. Some days, however, I see connections between events in my past that I can't ignore. I'm dropped, plopped and pushed back into the past with dates and feelings swirling like the vegan hot chocolate I'm about to make.

Now that I've expelled my thoughts, I bet I'll stop thinking about everything I wrote as soon as I hit "publish post." Once I express a (negative) feeling, it typically dissolves more rapidly than some chemistry experiment. Then again, what do I know about chemistry?

*I dated Jordan (very, very briefly) when I was thirteen or fourteen, and is the second guy I've been romantically connected to that's come out as gay once we matured.


**I also have her vegan cookbook.