31 August 2009

Quote of the Day <3

I think between regular blog posts, I'm going to pick a new favorite quote to share. I have lots of new favorites (-:

Let your love flow outward through the universe,
To its height, its depth, its broad extent,
A limitless love, without hatred or enmity.
Then as you stand or walk,
Sit or lie down,
As long as you are awake,
Strive for this with a one-pointed mind;
Your life will bring heaven to earth.
Sutta Nipata

"Edie, are you gay?" ... "Am I gay? I'm ECSTATIC!"

It's been a bit since I've blogged last. 139 days, 22 hours and 6 minutes to be exact (aka, all summer plus some). Instead, it feels like a lifetime has gone by since I first "chopped off" my hair. I'm tempted to write about everything this summer entailed, but a) that would take too long and b) it may be prudent to turn my blog to private. I don't feel like doing that latter yet (although maybe sometime I will).

I'm tired of living like the world is made of fine china; tiptoeing around potentially revealing information and spinning away from awkward conversation. This summer I experienced freedom, inspiration and growth (emotional, mental, spiritual--unfortunately never vertical).

I thought that being "out" on facebook/myspace would make some sort of difference when I got to Union. Although my summer friends all knew that I'm queer, I worried about what would happen when my friends/acquaintances at Union College found out. Would I lose friends? Would people talk about me behind my back? Would I get in trouble with the deans?

I needn't have worried. Nobody pays attention to the info page on Facebook, except I guess during stalk-age mode. At first I thought some of my friends had noticed and just weren't saying anything. But then when I'd explain that I met someone over the summer, they kept asking what "his" name is. Fail.

You'd think I'd be happy no one is stalking me and no one noticed the "Interested in women" change on FB. But I'm not.

I was glad my family found out, and I came out to my friends for a reason. It's awful skirting around topics, always fearful someone will find out the "big secret." I thought people would notice that I'm queer, then decide whether or not they still want to talk to me. I'd just be left with true friends. Easy peasy, lemon-squeezy.

Now I can't tell them face-to-face, because that'd just be awkward as I don't know how these conservative students would react. They'd be more likely to freak out and then just pretend to still be friends with me. I'm not into playing pretend.

So I'm still dancing on china, tripping over my own feet. Yeah, I'll go with the cliche and ask "when will this song end?"

How can I incite positive conversation, or come out in a non-scary, non-threatening way?