It's been a bit since I've blogged last. 139 days, 22 hours and 6 minutes to be exact (aka, all summer plus some). Instead, it feels like a lifetime has gone by since I first "chopped off" my hair. I'm tempted to write about everything this summer entailed, but a) that would take too long and b) it may be prudent to turn my blog to private. I don't feel like doing that latter yet (although maybe sometime I will).
I'm tired of living like the world is made of fine china; tiptoeing around potentially revealing information and spinning away from awkward conversation. This summer I experienced freedom, inspiration and growth (emotional, mental, spiritual--unfortunately never vertical).
I thought that being "out" on facebook/myspace would make some sort of difference when I got to Union. Although my summer friends all knew that I'm queer, I worried about what would happen when my friends/acquaintances at Union College found out. Would I lose friends? Would people talk about me behind my back? Would I get in trouble with the deans?
I needn't have worried. Nobody pays attention to the info page on Facebook, except I guess during stalk-age mode. At first I thought some of my friends had noticed and just weren't saying anything. But then when I'd explain that I met someone over the summer, they kept asking what "his" name is. Fail.
You'd think I'd be happy no one is stalking me and no one noticed the "Interested in women" change on FB. But I'm not.
I was glad my family found out, and I came out to my friends for a reason. It's awful skirting around topics, always fearful someone will find out the "big secret." I thought people would notice that I'm queer, then decide whether or not they still want to talk to me. I'd just be left with true friends. Easy peasy, lemon-squeezy.
Now I can't tell them face-to-face, because that'd just be awkward as I don't know how these conservative students would react. They'd be more likely to freak out and then just pretend to still be friends with me. I'm not into playing pretend.
So I'm still dancing on china, tripping over my own feet. Yeah, I'll go with the cliche and ask "when will this song end?"
How can I incite positive conversation, or come out in a non-scary, non-threatening way?
Hey, Hannah. I just wanted to say that your blog is refreshing--everything you write is straight from the soul and so open. You don't try to hide who you are and I think that is amazing.
ReplyDeleteI can understand your fears about coming out, especially in the climate of an Adventist college. With so many people around who voice beliefs based on rote- and book-learning rather than on personal conviction, it is scary to be or believe anything out of the norm. Some people have a hard time separating reality from the ideal, or questioning the veracity of their beliefs.
However, I also know that many people--at least many mature people--will adjust their beliefs on gays/lesbians to fit their friends, rather than adjusting their opinions of their friends to fit their beliefs. I know quite a few people who thought homosexuality was evil and horrible just because that is what they had been taught and because they had never met anyone who was gay. A relationship makes the concept personal. I love my gay, lesbian, and bi friends and I can't judge them--they are some of the sweetest and most accepting people I know.
I don’t know if this’ll mean much to you, but I’m praying for you. And I know this post was a month ago, but if you’re still feeling at all this way, I just want you to know that I don’t think any less of you because you came out. :) I still think you’re an awesome, delightful person who is full of love for the earth and humanity. So there!
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