oohhhmm

I just finished meditating--something that's a lot harder than it sounds. The even breathing I can do. Imagining a flame and focusing on the top point of that flame isn't so hard to do. It's the whole "eyes-half-closed" that I struggle with.

Five years (two years, one year) ago I wouldn't have even considered meditating. My best friend from home is here to visit, and I've come to realize how much I've changed in--well, even just the past year.

Before, I obsessed over snowboarding and everything that entailed. Now, I've realized there's a world beyond snow-capped mountains. And this new world suucks :-( So many people are suffering, and I just want to make it stop (or at least make them not hurt as much). I want to live in harmony with the myself, nature, and other people.

I was in the mall today and just felt completely overwhelmed by a) the ridiculousness of the value we place on name-brand, new items b) the clones that make up humanity. I'm so tired of meeting people who conform for the sake of conforming, or try so hard not to conform for the sake of not conforming. Nobody is original, no matter how much we delude ourselves into thinking we are. Nobody lives to simply exist, or wears clothes because they just love how it feels. We're all just so caught up in this image that society feeds us from birth--binary: sexes, orientations, styles, religious views (god or no god), genders, relationships (monogamous or nonmonogamous, platonic or romantic), etc. We care so much about the aesthetic sort of things and not enough about anything else--you know, like people being tortured or the way we're slowly murdering Mother Earth? Thoughts on what reality is, or maybe just thoughts in general? I'm not saying I'm immune. I'm just saying I hate the fact that this is how pathetic we are, pathetic and plastic. How pathetic and plastic I am.

Wow, I need to stop ranting (especially because it probably doesn't even make sense). I think it just boils down to being lonely. I've found how to be at peace with myself, and in turn with the world, but then out of the blue I'll get hit with a tsunami wave of feeling disconnected. Tonight I was in a room full of people, and felt more lonely than I had all day. For once, I'd like to talk about more than Johnny Depp, the weather, or difficult classes. But maybe it's just a matter of priorities and interests, of which mine differ from most people at Union.

Belinda (my friend from home) and I, it seems, barely have anything in common anymore (besides nerdy TV shows). Sure, it's fun to hang out. If we were meeting for the first time, though, I doubt we'd be very tight. There are no deep conversations, common thoughts on impacting the future, shared musical or fashion styles, etc. It's not even that tho--I've just forgotten how she puts me down in front of everyone else (Yes, I realize how much of a Jew nose I have. No, I don't suck at everything I try to do). I used to laugh, and make fun of myself too--but now, I don't. Or maybe I do, but it's just weird now when she does it instead of natural.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. In short, hanging out with Belinda has made me realize how much I've changed since high school. I'm not really interested in going back--back to ignorant, shallow, and uncaring. I love the place I'm at now, with coffee shop/art galleries/second hand store adventures (yay for this week!). I just wish someone would come a long and enjoy these adventures with me--someone who will break the freaking box open instead of sleeping in it, someone who will fuck society's definitions and binary system of existing.

Or at least someone that would just meditate with me.