Rainy days often end so perfectly

I often forget why I don't like to trust people. Become attached. I fall in love (in the platonic sense) with people very easily, something I wish wasn't the case. I hurt inside right now, and don't know how to fix it.

I'm left to wonder if my insides are really so unpretty--like the men masquerading as lovers have taught me, along with strangers masquerading as family. Left to wonder if I am simply self-centered, in the negative sense.

I made a decision not to spend a year of my life serving as an Adventist missionary because I didn't think it would be best for me right now. It is self-centered, as in I made the decision with concern for my own life, but is it selfish?

I'd have felt like I was living a lie: on a mission for a god I don't believe (or disbelieve) in, stuck in a world where I cannot be silly hippy Hannah, back to the beginning of this year with its dark, stifling closet.

Maybe I wouldn't have realized how happy I can be if I hadn't found the CTT. So is it selfish to want to stay where I'm at, loved for who I am--being who I am?

Or should I sacrifice petty things like personal style and a group of accepting friends to venture into a year of service? Maybe I'd feel more strongly inclined to go if I felt my service was actually impacting peoples' lives--peace crops work, americorp, volunteering at the local fucking shelter. Stacking books and pretending to be on fire for god doesn't seem like it would help many people. If it's not helping others or me--which I think is the first step to helping others--then how is it selfish not to go? I don't fucking understand.

Any decision someone makes is geared around what they think will bring them happiness. Law school, salad instead of soup, delayed gratification and being responsible, Union over SWAU, focusing on family or work, sleeping in or waking up early.

I want to help people, yes. I want to help because I can see, hear, touch, feel their suffering and the pain rides my spine and ingrains images into my brain. I want it to stop for them, because I can empathize. Because I can empathize, it hurts me. So really, I want to help humanity, Mother Earth, and animals for selfish reasons--if that's how you look at it.

I think everyone is driven by their own desires (helping others could be dumbed down to finding happiness in happiness and well-being of others).

Or is it just me that is driven by so-called "self-centered" desires? And is focusing on what's best for you always selfish?

I'm trying to work this out with words on an electronic page, but it's not helping. I'm just getting mad, which is the feeling that springs up when I'm hurt. I'd rather feel the facade of anger than the pain it conceals.

I shouldn't be hurt, though, from someone's honest opinion. I should be grateful--see it as constructive criticism? But I can't. Especially when I don't understand the problem they point out.

Is it that I'm too afraid to admit my "brother" (who I hardly know) and my ex were right? That I'm a selfish person that treats people like dirt (brother part) and doesn't care about anybody else?

But...if that were true, then why would I even consider this nonprofit PR career path I'm going after? Why would I show up every week to Amnesty, become involved in the Peace and Social Justice Club, donate and over-tip with money I shouldn't spend, recycle, buy clothing that helps children... Or am I just trying to find excuses to convince myself that I'm not selfish?

I don't even know. I don't understand.

All I know right is that I'm fucking hurting, fucking tired, and fucking confused.

Maybe the morning will bring clarity, or at least some cheerful blue skies.