chasing beams of sunshine after the rain

I guess it's time for my yearly spring semester emotional break down. Maybe I haven't broken down like this in years past, but I remember how hard each spring semester is for me. This semester has been really difficult.

Breaking up with Chelsi, reordering my personal life, getting lonely and re-learning to appreciate solitude, trying to figure out my entire future by planning next school year, struggling in classes, struggling at work, fighting growing negative thoughts about my body and shape, living in a homophobic environment, wading through classes completely filled with assumptions and expectations that clash with my religious beliefs, quitting smoking, learning how humanity inflicts harsh cruelty on itself and others, hurting for those whose souls are ravished because they weren't born white, straight, male, upper class, able-bodied, whatever. There's more that makes me want to break down and cry (like I just finished doing). There's also a lot of beauty in the world. I just am having a hard time thinking of it right now.

Today, that metaphorical straw landed on my back. World Lit is the only class I'm taking this semester that I really enjoy. When I saw I had a 98 percent in a Fitts class, I was ecstatic but not necessarily surprised. I'm engaged. I take notes (I've never regularly taken notes in a class before). I show up to class. I do well on quizzes. I do well on presentations. I'm learning. I'm contributing. I'm amazed at how freaking awesome the coursework, reading and lectures are.

Then I got sick. I didn't do one of three papers of the semester. Fitts gave me a couple-day extension, but I couldn't get it done. Writers block sat on my head like a cement brick. I didn't know what to do. I didn't turn it in. Although I knew there was the loss of points, there were many opportunities for extra credit--which I have capitalized on. I thought it would all be okay.

Today I got my wake up call. Fitts explained that right now I have an F and that if I ace everything from now on, I could get a C. Mathematically, it's doubtful a B will work out. I broke down (not in front of Fitts, I went to my room). The only class I care about, am engaged in, am making an effort in and actually understand the material and it's the one that will drastically bring down my GPA. The essay, which doesn't accurately judge or grade what we've been learning in the class, will outweigh all the other work that does prove I'm excelling holistically and understanding the coursework.

It was more than just numbers on a transcript. I don't know how to describe what happened. Despair like the thickest molasses covered me, head to toe and heart to soul. And have you ever tried to wash molasses off? Sticky is an understatement. I can't even articulate the thoughts and emotions and view of existence I had as I sat in my yellow chair crying with awkward gasps and gulps. To put it lightly, I didn't see the point in trying at anything anymore.

Sounds melodramatic. And it is. I must be emotional right now. But it's been a long time coming. The ugliness of the world built up and up and up and up and up until a trigger released the tears hiding just below the surface.

I decided to get on the computer, still crying. I don't know why. Probably to distract myself. I hadn't read Heather's new blog post, and clicked over to it. She was giving props to an interesting book, and put a series of quotes up:

"People tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will descend like fine weather if you're fortunate. But happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

The first one stopped me in my tracks. I follow the teachings of Buddha, and find the Eight-Fold Path incredibly important and helpful. It talks about Whole or Complete Emotion, Aspiration or Attitude: "Liberating emotional intelligence in your life and acting from love and compassion. An informed heart and feeling mind that are free to practice letting go." Usually, things like this help me out in tough emotional situations. But this time, I couldn't see the point in it. The quote by Elizabeth showed me the point. I can be happy and create happiness for others. Like she said, it's not going to fall in my lap. Even working hard on things that I think should make me happy aren't guaranteed to make me happy.

I'm stressed about transferring and grades. They're my priority right now. So I need to make them my priority. If a C is the best that I can get, then fine. But I need to work hard so I can get it. All of this though won't make me happy.

I need to find happiness within myself. Suffering occurs when our expectations don't meet reality. I definitely see that playing out in my own life. I need to understand that, and learn mindfulness and acceptance. I will also work harder in the things causing me distress. Although I cannot entirely influence expectations or reality, I can adjust my reaction to them. Do I cry or just start applying myself more? Do I cry or put in that personal effort to find happiness, contentment and equanimity? I'll take the latter, thanks.

And maybe next spring semester, when the stressed of life have me overwhelmed and unsure, I can re-read this post. I'll tell my future self right now: It'll be okay. You'll get through this. You'll make a difference. The world, though imperfect, isn't ugly, and neither are you. You have the ability to do, to think and to love. With those three things, you'll be okay.