Say the word and you'll be free*

Why can't I ever find the words I need to say or for the articles and papers I need to write? I'm filling out an application for the Generation Equality Scholarship offered by the Human Rights Campaign. I just stumbled upon it, and it's certainly not in my lengthy to-do list. However, I have most of it filled out already.

If it's a distraction, and not for grades, work, or the ClockTower, somehow I'm able to find time, words, and attention to complete it. Maybe because I have nothing to lose if the words aren't completely perfect. Maybe because I won't have to face judgement, criticism, or even critiquing (which I try to convince myself that I enjoy) from anyone I know. I'm so self conscious about my writing--at least my lack of talent in that area. Some days, I feel like my ego is so big that I'm bumping into walls on the opposite side of the room. Usually, though, my self confidence in the writing realm is hidden so deeply within the depths of my being that I doubt that self confidence exists at all.

Maybe I'm pursuing the wrong degree (Communication with a double emphasis in Journalism and Public Relations). I've wanted to be a variety of things "when I grow up."

Age Desired Profession
4 Alien
8-12 Dental Hygienist
13 Lawyer, Detective, or Engineer
14-15 Cultural Anthropologist
15.5 Massage Therapist
16-18 Journalist/Editor for a snowboarding magazine
19+ Public Relations for a nonprofit organization (preferably HRC or Amnesty Int'l)
(Okay, I actually want to open a nonprofit coffee shop--PR is my fall-back)


There are days when I wonder if dental hygiene would have been the right track to follow. I cannot make a string of words sound beautiful--I leave that to vibrant sunsets masquerading as a violent stream of colors. I leave art to Zach, whose lyrics and voice send shivers down my spine. I leave my awe in the hands of Sierra, whose poems I cannot begin to describe.

See, there goes my lack of words again. Yet, I can edit. I can can feel out errors in a paper, article or sentence like a massage therapist finds knots. News articles and press releases? I can manage, sometimes even quite well.

I've taken those (in)famous career tests, and always wind up with journalism, editing, public relations, etc. Maybe I am pursing the right career--now if only I can convince my brain that's true so perhaps it'll spit out some words and work. The way things are going right now, I won't need that HRC scholarship because I'll have flunked out of school.


*Taken from "The Word" by The Beatles