Day 2

I'm a quitter--my mother has pointed that out.

When I was six, I took gymnastics--then promptly decided I definitely wasn't a gymnast.
At eight I started piano lessons. Let's just say that was a fail.
Around the same time, I became convinced that one day I'd be a dental hygienist. My dental-hygienist dream lasted four years, until I realized I wanted more out of life than time with other people's teeth (as lovely as they may be).

I burn out and quit things.

I also have an addictive personality. When I find something I REALLY like, I...well, let's just say "like" is an understatement and it doesn't go away very fast. This is great, and helps me shed that "quitter" tendency.

Unfortunately, I wouldn't mind if my quitter tendencies overrode my addictive personality. Especially today.

What's special about today? It's the day following yesterday, and yesterday I decided to quit smoking. Yesterday, with my single (and last) cigarette in the morning, was difficult. I can smoke half a pack in twelve hours, easy-peasy. Just one cigarette? Not so easy-peasy.

Today is 20 million times worse than yesterday. Maybe it's the craving for nicotine (I'm not using nicotine patches or gum), maybe it's the psychological dependence--I don't know. All I know is that today has sucked--definitely the worst day since school has started (maybe of the last few months). Why did I decide quitting early in the week would be a good idea? Then again, I usually smoke waaay more cigarettes on weekends, so I suppose there was some logic to the madness.

And that's what this is--madness. I drank a large coffee, ate too many nerds, and purchased tons of blue gum to compensate for this new adjustment. Hsi-Tang said, "The secret to happiness lies in the mind's release from worldly ties."

I'm trying to do that. Eliminate this dependence on things. Yet, more dependences are created as the result. Is there anyway to truly be released from worldly (material/superficial/unhealthy) ties (addictions/dependence/bondage)?

I think about all the things we've created that manipulate our minds and bodies by causing cravings--sugar, caffeine, nicotine, fried foods, etc. I want to get away from it, and consume things at my own leisure for enjoyment--not because I "need to have them."

It's not just food or drink that I feel tie me down. It's whatever I can live a happy, full life without. Like this computer. I can survive without it, yet I'd be terribly upset if that's what I was forced to do.

I will keep what is already in my possession and useful to being a well-rounded person (like this laptop, which is great for school work). I want to clear out the excessive things that do not contribute to any sort of personal growth or centered-ness (I believe books/art/music/artistic expression can be important for a person to experience, so I'm keeping the ones I frequently use).

I want to make choices based on important factors, not say:

"But I can't live without -random item/addiction-, so I won't -dream/aspire/work toward personal or societal growth-".

I want to quit dependence and be free to grow, touch the world, understand, travel, touch people.

And so, Mom was right--I am a quitter. And for that, I'm very glad.