Happy, goofy, hyper feeling gone :-(
"I don't spend this much time with someone for nothing," he said "You just seem pretty interested in ******* and I don't want to waste my time or yours."
Glad to know hanging out with me and being my friend is an effing waste of time, especially if they think they're not going to get any. I suppose I wouldn't be as unsettled if Mr. Stars (******, get it?) hadn't made me feel like shite earlier. It's kinda like the whole last straw type of thing.
I'm fucking sick of Beauty and Pleasure. Couldn't we all just live outside of our bodies? That'd be great. I'd love to be more than just this skin, these bones--I'd say muscle, but I haven't any.
I'm just always reminded of the time I liked this guy that liked my best friend. My mom told me maybe things would be different if I was more like my best friend, because she had "a beautiful soul"--or something to that effect.
Drusilla, in a Buffy episode (yes, I just said Buffy), asked Spike: "Do you love my insides, the parts you can't see?"
((and yes, I realize this post doesn't make much sense at all. It made me feel better though. Kind of.))
16 January 2009
"and then I found twenty bucks"
Today wasn't very interesting, although a late night T-Bell run is always exciting :-) I'm in an incredibly goofy, hyper mood although now I'm winding down. Mmm, sleep sounds nice (as do a few other things).
Snippets from my day:
Her armor, nearly invisible under
the florescent light, catches on the sweaters
she folds, so that cashmere threads
follow her everywhere, a crimson cape.
She can’t remember how she got here:
most days, can’t remember her name when she gets up,
but knows where her keys are,
and what bus to take to work.
God speaks to her sideways,
flickering reflections in the
napkin dispenser at the diner,
upside down when she licks
the ice cream clean from her spoon.
Joan sees pinions behind her when she uses the ATM.
There’s angels, mostly angry and scary,
often white, and always in her dreams.
They smell like straw and milk...
Joan is sixteen.
She’s always sixteen.
She’s so blond her eyebrows disappear.
She has freckles and is serious,
chews off her lipstick.
She’ll heal you if you ask nice, and go back behind the chinos with her.
Her name means 'God is gracious.'
Sometimes when she’s stacking the perfume
called heaven
she remembers this is true.
Snippets from my day:
- I wrote a news release (which I haven't done in FOREVS) for the new website. Yay for Union's new website! It's pretty.
- Got called stylish and some other random compliment I can't remember. It made my night, even though I'm not actually stylish.
- Broke my vegan streak with some Taco Bell. Ooops.
- Mulled over what a relationship would be like with one of my gay male friends.
- Felt unheard at a CT meeting.
- Felt like a piece of meat. No f***ing thanks.
- Hung out with a very pretty girl
- Wished I had a teleporter that reached to Washington
- Drank lots of Naked drinks. Mmmm, Naked.
- Decided to stop writing a boring blog and put on my ORGANIC COTTON night shirt. I'm excited (my sister bought it for me. I felt loved).
Look at this pretty poem I found. It's so sad that it makes me happy.
A Modern Maid by Christine Hamm
Joan of Arc works at the Gap.Her armor, nearly invisible under
the florescent light, catches on the sweaters
she folds, so that cashmere threads
follow her everywhere, a crimson cape.
She can’t remember how she got here:
most days, can’t remember her name when she gets up,
but knows where her keys are,
and what bus to take to work.
God speaks to her sideways,
flickering reflections in the
napkin dispenser at the diner,
upside down when she licks
the ice cream clean from her spoon.
Joan sees pinions behind her when she uses the ATM.
There’s angels, mostly angry and scary,
often white, and always in her dreams.
They smell like straw and milk...
Joan is sixteen.
She’s always sixteen.
She’s so blond her eyebrows disappear.
She has freckles and is serious,
chews off her lipstick.
She’ll heal you if you ask nice, and go back behind the chinos with her.
Her name means 'God is gracious.'
Sometimes when she’s stacking the perfume
called heaven
she remembers this is true.
14 January 2009
i wonder which road a mountain would choose
She sat high above an ocean, looking down at me. A boulder, firm against my cheek, left tiny drops of moister on my skin. I imagined she was speaking (were those silent tears?), in her own moutain-esque way.
Tourists came to gawk at her smooth curves and jagged edges. Deep rumblings constantly shattered the serene atmosphere as vehicles--from planes to boats to motorbikes--disturbed the tiny island.
I overheard several park rangers bemoaning the fact they couldn't move from the States to this newfound paradise. It was everything they'd ever dreamed of--she was their very own Mona Lisa (if the ML had been found instead of created).
Frigid walls made from natural formations were all that met their musings. I wandered farther from the crowds. A man sat among springtime grasses, his demeanor everything a tourist wasn't. The air itself was different. Could it be the ice mountain actually showing some warmth? I must be daft.
"I name you," he announced, charming smile a daring bait, "Beauty and Pleasure." A compliment, I'm sure. But why then, did the skies begin to darken? A raindrop landed on my nose.
The mountain was crying. I glanced up, taking in the beautiful sight her mere presence created--feeling pleasure as my eyes explored each crevice and corner. Perhaps Beauty and Pleasure is all you'll ever be, I whispered.
Years later I heard the impossible had been accomplished, a mountain had been moved. My mountain. No one knows who did it, or where she's gone. Perhaps a new tourist came, swept her from a supposed paradise and renamed her something enchanting like Te Amo. Or perhaps she still plays at Beauty and Pleasure for a different group of self-involved tourists.
Or maybe there never was a mountain on that tiny island anyway.
(I think we're all just a bunch of fucking mountains anyway. Or is it mountains just get fucked over anyway? I haven't quite figured it out. )
Tourists came to gawk at her smooth curves and jagged edges. Deep rumblings constantly shattered the serene atmosphere as vehicles--from planes to boats to motorbikes--disturbed the tiny island.
I overheard several park rangers bemoaning the fact they couldn't move from the States to this newfound paradise. It was everything they'd ever dreamed of--she was their very own Mona Lisa (if the ML had been found instead of created).
Frigid walls made from natural formations were all that met their musings. I wandered farther from the crowds. A man sat among springtime grasses, his demeanor everything a tourist wasn't. The air itself was different. Could it be the ice mountain actually showing some warmth? I must be daft.
"I name you," he announced, charming smile a daring bait, "Beauty and Pleasure." A compliment, I'm sure. But why then, did the skies begin to darken? A raindrop landed on my nose.
The mountain was crying. I glanced up, taking in the beautiful sight her mere presence created--feeling pleasure as my eyes explored each crevice and corner. Perhaps Beauty and Pleasure is all you'll ever be, I whispered.
Years later I heard the impossible had been accomplished, a mountain had been moved. My mountain. No one knows who did it, or where she's gone. Perhaps a new tourist came, swept her from a supposed paradise and renamed her something enchanting like Te Amo. Or perhaps she still plays at Beauty and Pleasure for a different group of self-involved tourists.
Or maybe there never was a mountain on that tiny island anyway.
(I think we're all just a bunch of fucking mountains anyway. Or is it mountains just get fucked over anyway? I haven't quite figured it out. )
08 January 2009
holiday?
i try first for gold, but don’t know where to dig. so i go out searching…searching…
the sound nearly slices ears from my head. the lack of sound. silence. stillness. but it’s so loud, yesterday’s ruckus seem to drop from the skies—dammit I can hear their cries.
can you see it twist? battered gray chains touch onto tattered canvas, creating a new space for artwork. where did those crayons go?
the emptiness crushes me and i can’t keep my ribs from exhaling—i’m exploding. if white were blood, this place’d be full of it.
the covered ground stares up at me, startled there’s a witness. a table’s weathered bark is sanded to perfection. i hate perfection and curl fists around frozen air.
my lips push out words silently, cracked and pained with each syllable. “you chased the children away, with their laughter and their tears.”
stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it.
glares are directed toward the angry clouds, sunshine their miserable prisoner. i take it all in…take in death disguised as a playground. take in winter disguised as death.
take it and give it to you. spring would have made a much better present.
the sound nearly slices ears from my head. the lack of sound. silence. stillness. but it’s so loud, yesterday’s ruckus seem to drop from the skies—dammit I can hear their cries.
can you see it twist? battered gray chains touch onto tattered canvas, creating a new space for artwork. where did those crayons go?
the emptiness crushes me and i can’t keep my ribs from exhaling—i’m exploding. if white were blood, this place’d be full of it.
the covered ground stares up at me, startled there’s a witness. a table’s weathered bark is sanded to perfection. i hate perfection and curl fists around frozen air.
my lips push out words silently, cracked and pained with each syllable. “you chased the children away, with their laughter and their tears.”
stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it.
glares are directed toward the angry clouds, sunshine their miserable prisoner. i take it all in…take in death disguised as a playground. take in winter disguised as death.
take it and give it to you. spring would have made a much better present.
07 January 2009
Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come. Corp. tee-shirt, stupid bloody tuesday. Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long*
I sit here, my torn plaid pants growing warm under a stubborn laptop. Maybe it's really all about stubborn eyelids. Last night I couldn't sleep. Tonight I'm wide awake. Score two for those damn sheep that can't stand to be counted. Score 0 for me. Actually, can I give myself 10 gold stars for all that I've accomplished today? I'm pretty damn proud (My room has stayed beautifully organized and bed made, I've gotten ahead in homework, showed up to work on time and got the final CT edits finished before curfew. Sounds lame and simplistic, but feeling this calm about everything is a once-in-a-life-time experience for me).
Enjoying all those warm and fuzzy feelings? Because there they go--chased off by my jumbled thoughts. I could type them, but then [he'd see] [she'd see] [they'd see] [ze'd see] [everyoneandyourmammawouldsee]. Why do I even have a blog if I can't write about how I feel? Except dammit, I think that's the problem. You have to know it to write it, or at least isn't that what they say?
And maybe it's a moral dilemma. Maybe it's just fancy thoughts in my head. Or perhaps it's just irrelavent. Maybe you're just irrelavent. They're all so irrelavent. If that's the case, then why are my thoughts so jumbled?
Screw this. I'm going to go catch some sheep.
*Title taken from The Beatles' "I Am the Walrus" lyrics
Enjoying all those warm and fuzzy feelings? Because there they go--chased off by my jumbled thoughts. I could type them, but then [he'd see] [she'd see] [they'd see] [ze'd see] [everyoneandyourmammawouldsee]. Why do I even have a blog if I can't write about how I feel? Except dammit, I think that's the problem. You have to know it to write it, or at least isn't that what they say?
And maybe it's a moral dilemma. Maybe it's just fancy thoughts in my head. Or perhaps it's just irrelavent. Maybe you're just irrelavent. They're all so irrelavent. If that's the case, then why are my thoughts so jumbled?
Screw this. I'm going to go catch some sheep.
*Title taken from The Beatles' "I Am the Walrus" lyrics
02 January 2009
A new year for ramblings
I could write something beautiful about a new year and the chance to start fresh--or somesuch jabber. I could spin out words as wonderous as the next blog--that's a lie. I'm incredibly sleepy after a day spent lounging in the most amazing coffee shop I've ever happened across (Monks in Dubuque, Iowa), reading about FTM and "radical gender transformation" while listening to a Barry Manilow record, and kicked butt as a gnome mage with Todd in WoW. Yeah, eventful day (not). Still, I happen to be tired, slightly crabby, but in the mood to post something new years-ish.
Sooo, here I go all Myspace on your ass....
In 2008 I've:
[ ] stayed single :-(
[X]made out in a car (Probably? I don't remember anything too hxc)
[ ] kissed in the snow (that sounds like a lovely use for snow tho)
[ ] kissed in the rain (does it look like I live the life of a chick flick?)
[X] was in love with a fool
[X] had my heart broken (I suppose serves me right for dating the KKK ;-)
[ ] broke someone else's heart
[X] kind of lost a friend (See above. Kalvin was one of my best friends)
[X] had a good relationship with someone (We did until middle of June, I think even if it ended waay after that)
[ ] questioned my sexual orientation (haha, nope)
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] thought you were pregnant
[ ] got married
[X] kissed someone of the same sex
[X] met someone that I will never forget (A lot of someones)
[ ] did something I regret (I try not to regret, but just learn and move on)
[X] lost faith in love
[ ] regained faith in love
[ ] kissed under mistletoe (not IRL haha)
[X] changed jobs (MCd to Subway to MCd)
[X] quit my job (Subway summer job)
[ ] dated a co-worker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/ daughter
[ ] got fired from my job
[ ] got straight A's
[X] met a teacher who I became friends with (Tanya is kind of the coolest)
[ ] met a teacher who I really hate
[ ] failed a class (haha, nope although Golf had me worried)
[X] cut class (Oops. Especially Weight Training)
[X] did something I was proud of (got published by Insight)
[ ] discovered a new talent
[X] proved myself (I CAN get the CT out weekly and on time...with lots of help from Brenda :-)
[X] embarrassed myself in front of the class. (whenever I open my mouth)
[X] was involved in something that I will never forget (PSJ)
[X] painted/drew a picture (Drawing for Everyone...eek)
[X] wrote a poem/song (I poet it up on Myspace--very badly)
[X] listened to music I couldn't stand (I was dating Kalvin, so yeah. Country.)
[X] double dipped
[ ] skinny dipped
[X] had a sleepover
[ ] went to a camp
[X] threw a surprise party (kinda)
[X] laughed till I cried
[ ] laughed till I peed my pants (um, ew?)
[X] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country :-(That will change this year!)
[X] visited another state
[ ] cooked a disastrous meal (well one lit on fire, but it didn't end disastrously. It ended yummily)
[X] lost something/someone important to me
[X] got a gift I love (OMG OMG OMG, yes. Record player, Buffy series, first season of Dark Angel, vegan/vegetarian cookbooks, month of WoW, mocccasins)
[X] realized something new about myself (Accepting myself is kind of key)
[X] highlighted/dyed my hair (I dyed it back to my original colour)
[ ] came close to losing my life
[ ] someone close to me died (not this year. RIP Estrella. Te extrano)
[ ] went to a wild party
[X] drank alcohol
[X] read a great book (Acheron and Bi Any Other Name)
[X] saw a great movie (The Secrets made me cry. Only other movie I've cried at was E.T.)
[X] did something that I wanted to tell everyone (I benched almost 80% of my weight after an entire semester of NOT working out!)
[X] experienced something new
[X] made new friends (mostly at Union. Yay Kaley :-)
[X] found out who your real friends are (if that can apply to family. Sometimes honesty's a bitch)
[ ] got in trouble with police (I think the longboarding/parking ramps incident happened in '07)
[X] had the time of your life (every day :-)
[X] danced
[X] fell out of love
[X] had a crush on someone
[X] swam in a pool
[ ] made a snowman (I don't really know how)
[ ] went sledding
[X] slept in past 2 pm (haha like this entire break)
[X] told someone you like them as more than a friend (I don't usually do that.)
[X] gone on vacation (Campmeeting. It sucked)
[ ] gone on vacation with a friend
[X] gone to a wedding
[ ] played strip poker
[X] danced in the rain (does in-game count?)
[ ] got in a car accident
[ ] seen someone get in a car accident
[ ] got in a fist fight (I'm just violent like that)
[X] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[X] missed someone (That was pre-summer)
[X] went to the hospital (yeah, lame ambulance and ER adventure)
[X] enjoyed this year overall (it was the hardest I've ever been through, mostly due to Thanksgiving break. It had fanastic moments though, ones I'd never want to erase. I think the best part was finding self-acceptance.)
Maybe in the next post I'll be all inspired by resolutions and create a piece of artwork with words. Or maybe not.
Sooo, here I go all Myspace on your ass....
In 2008 I've:
[ ] stayed single :-(
[X]made out in a car (Probably? I don't remember anything too hxc)
[ ] kissed in the snow (that sounds like a lovely use for snow tho)
[ ] kissed in the rain (does it look like I live the life of a chick flick?)
[X] was in love with a fool
[X] had my heart broken (I suppose serves me right for dating the KKK ;-)
[ ] broke someone else's heart
[X] kind of lost a friend (See above. Kalvin was one of my best friends)
[X] had a good relationship with someone (We did until middle of June, I think even if it ended waay after that)
[ ] questioned my sexual orientation (haha, nope)
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] thought you were pregnant
[ ] got married
[X] kissed someone of the same sex
[X] met someone that I will never forget (A lot of someones)
[ ] did something I regret (I try not to regret, but just learn and move on)
[X] lost faith in love
[ ] regained faith in love
[ ] kissed under mistletoe (not IRL haha)
[X] changed jobs (MCd to Subway to MCd)
[X] quit my job (Subway summer job)
[ ] dated a co-worker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/ daughter
[ ] got fired from my job
[ ] got straight A's
[X] met a teacher who I became friends with (Tanya is kind of the coolest)
[ ] met a teacher who I really hate
[ ] failed a class (haha, nope although Golf had me worried)
[X] cut class (Oops. Especially Weight Training)
[X] did something I was proud of (got published by Insight)
[ ] discovered a new talent
[X] proved myself (I CAN get the CT out weekly and on time...with lots of help from Brenda :-)
[X] embarrassed myself in front of the class. (whenever I open my mouth)
[X] was involved in something that I will never forget (PSJ)
[X] painted/drew a picture (Drawing for Everyone...eek)
[X] wrote a poem/song (I poet it up on Myspace--very badly)
[X] listened to music I couldn't stand (I was dating Kalvin, so yeah. Country.)
[X] double dipped
[ ] skinny dipped
[X] had a sleepover
[ ] went to a camp
[X] threw a surprise party (kinda)
[X] laughed till I cried
[ ] laughed till I peed my pants (um, ew?)
[X] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country :-(That will change this year!)
[X] visited another state
[ ] cooked a disastrous meal (well one lit on fire, but it didn't end disastrously. It ended yummily)
[X] lost something/someone important to me
[X] got a gift I love (OMG OMG OMG, yes. Record player, Buffy series, first season of Dark Angel, vegan/vegetarian cookbooks, month of WoW, mocccasins)
[X] realized something new about myself (Accepting myself is kind of key)
[X] highlighted/dyed my hair (I dyed it back to my original colour)
[ ] came close to losing my life
[ ] someone close to me died (not this year. RIP Estrella. Te extrano)
[ ] went to a wild party
[X] drank alcohol
[X] read a great book (Acheron and Bi Any Other Name)
[X] saw a great movie (The Secrets made me cry. Only other movie I've cried at was E.T.)
[X] did something that I wanted to tell everyone (I benched almost 80% of my weight after an entire semester of NOT working out!)
[X] experienced something new
[X] made new friends (mostly at Union. Yay Kaley :-)
[X] found out who your real friends are (if that can apply to family. Sometimes honesty's a bitch)
[ ] got in trouble with police (I think the longboarding/parking ramps incident happened in '07)
[X] had the time of your life (every day :-)
[X] danced
[X] fell out of love
[X] had a crush on someone
[X] swam in a pool
[ ] made a snowman (I don't really know how)
[ ] went sledding
[X] slept in past 2 pm (haha like this entire break)
[X] told someone you like them as more than a friend (I don't usually do that.)
[X] gone on vacation (Campmeeting. It sucked)
[ ] gone on vacation with a friend
[X] gone to a wedding
[ ] played strip poker
[X] danced in the rain (does in-game count?)
[ ] got in a car accident
[ ] seen someone get in a car accident
[ ] got in a fist fight (I'm just violent like that)
[X] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[X] missed someone (That was pre-summer)
[X] went to the hospital (yeah, lame ambulance and ER adventure)
[X] enjoyed this year overall (it was the hardest I've ever been through, mostly due to Thanksgiving break. It had fanastic moments though, ones I'd never want to erase. I think the best part was finding self-acceptance.)
Maybe in the next post I'll be all inspired by resolutions and create a piece of artwork with words. Or maybe not.
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