Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goooooooodbye

I leave in the morning.
I leave. In the morning.

...

Nope, doesn't seem any more real by saying it differently. I almost backspaced back towards the top of the page because I couldn't figure out what to say after that. I'm exhausted. Naturally, I procrastinated till tonight to pack. And weed out junk I don't need. And re-pack. Seriously, how can a few skirts, shirts and necessities take up so much room?

I bought at top-loading hiking backpack from our local surplus store, and it's loaded to the brim with goodies to see me through various climates till summer.

I'm heading to San Diego first, then joining my mom in Puerto Rico for a few weeks, then hopefully on to Virginia till May or June. I've acquired a traveling companion who will adventure with me on the first bit of the trip. I wish my fingers could type the story of this acquisition as my body slept. I've decided to leave my computer at my parents' house, which means I won't likely get to tell the story any time soon. But I'm okay with that. Originally (and by that, I mean up until a few hours ago while I was packing), I was planning to go bloggo crazy on my adventures. I even made a new blog that I was all excited about (http://weneverwait.tumblr.com/). But space constraints of my bag made me stop and question how necessary it was to tell people what I was doing while I was doing it. Everyone knows I can't multitask--and I'd much rather be fully engaged in every experience than hole up somewhere with a glowing screen.

That's right glowing screen, I'm dumping you. When I come back from working on organic farms, maybe we can reevaluate our relationship. I'm hoping in the end, we'll stop goin so steady (I know, I haven't blogged in forever. But facebook and hulu have still been sucking my soul a little bit too much lately).

I doplan on staying in touch with people. Maybe I'll even learn to start answering my phone! Besides, hand-written letters are so much more exciting to get than an electronic comment on an electronic wall. Or maybe they're just more exciting for me. Meh.

Okay, I'm going to sleep now. And I'm darned excited.

P.S. my new favorite jam:

I've fallen in love, happy as houses.

Home is Where the Heart Is
The Sounds

There was a place in my hometown where I use to wander
Above the trees I saw a big black cloud of thunder
Summer rain in my face like snowflakes falling from space
It was so beautiful, and then I passed the mountains
I went coast to coast, and from star to star
That's how you learn, just who you are

[Chorus]
Home is where your heart is
Find where you belong, start to take control, show a little soul
Then you feel who you are
Home is where your heart is
Find where you belong, start to take control, show a little soul
Then you feel who you are

There was a time I couldn't see myself growing older
But then I went for a walk when I came back I was so much taller
Maybe try to find something that I could be part of
But I decided to leave, and then I crossed the river
I went coast to coast, and from star to star
But that's how you learn, who you really are

[Chorus:]
But I leave you with a kiss, there's so much more than this
When you know who you are

Oh, what you know, stop to think
Start to feel, and then you'll heal
You got to rise to the occasion, you got to read between the lines
Then maybe you'll find, who you are inside
When I look into your eyes, I feel what you feel
Come take my hand, let's go for a swim

[Chorus:]
But I leave you with a kiss, there's so much more than this
When you know who you are

Patterns of a Diamond Ceiling by Marnie Stern

I am not looking to find a pot of gold
I will paint you a picture that's inside my head
First I must carve out a place
Picture yourself carving out a place in a room
Now look up there's the diamond ceiling
Look up now, this is what it sounds like

Around you is a solitude trilogy
And glass slippers are on your feet
When I say go
You'll here the solitude trilogy come in clearly
Go
Now look down the glass slippers are on your feet
This is what they sound like as they meet
Now walk in the self-eaters
Their sound is much clearer
Here
So you sit down and start to think of ideas of the north
But in walk the latecomers
They back shuffle forwards
Their sound is weird

I am not looking to find a pot of gold
The picture in my head is my reward
Go

Around you is a solitude trilogy
And glass slippers are on your feet
When I say go
You'll here the solitude trilogy come in clearly
Go
Now look down the glass slippers are on your feet
This is what they sound like as they meet
Now walk in the self-eaters
Their sound is much clearer
Here
So you sit down and start to think of ideas of the north
But in walk the latecomers
They back shuffle forwards
Their sound is weird

See how easy to dream a scheme of sounds in your head
We must dream on. We must dream on
You see the pieces fall away from the outer shell
We must dream on. We must dream on

So you see, I am not looking to find a pot of gold
The picture in my head is my reward
The picture in my head is my reward
Go

I can't get enough of this.

Sometimes I lay under the moon
And I thank God I'm breathin'
Then I pray don't take me soon
'Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

It's not about win or lose 'cause we all lose
When they feed on the souls of the innocent blood
Drenched pavement keep on movin'
Though the waters stay ragin'

And in this life you may lose your way
It might drive you crazy
But don't let it phase you, no way

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

One day this all will change
Treat people the same
Stop with the violence down with the hate
One day we'll all be free and proud
To be under the same sun
Singing songs of freedom like

All I Really Want by Alanis Morissette

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

I want to live like this

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I 
may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Mad World by Alex Parks

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

Someday Soon by KT Tunstall

I think it's time to put myself away
Seek out a little silence
Close the doors and sit a while
Walk a little

And as I put my words away
The flow slows
See this pen in a stream
Picking it up is easy.

Follow the shape of it.
Jump in.
Swallow it whole.
Jump in.

Everybody's Got a Story by Amanda Marshall

You walk up to me and say
"Feel like I know you baby"
And then take a sip of your cherry coke now
Now who drinks a cherry coke?
Maybe you're nervous, I see that bead of sweat
Dancin' on your cheek
Your words are like cheap champagne
I get the point but it's much too sweet

I'm so tired of the dance
This carousel of superficial conversation
Gets me nowhere...

"General" by Dispatch

"General"

there was a decorated general with
a heart of gold, that likened him to
all the stories he told
of past battles, won and lost, and
legends of old a seasoned veteran in
his own time

I'm whole.

I love Alix Olson's "Eve's Mouth"

Eve’s mouth hurts from trying not to laugh
at some joke some scholar made
about her being someone’s half.
It was a joke, a lie, exaggeration, a fib.
And now you all believe I came from his rib.

She screams at the top of her lungs:
"I’m whole! I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul."

Well, Queen Victoria gave her daughter some advice
as her daughter shook and trembled on her wedding night.
Queen Victoria, she said to her daughter:
"Baby, lie still and think of the Empire!"
And her husband, though kind and mild,
he never stopped to wonder why she never smiled.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking down the trail,
she was carrying the goodies,
thought "They’ll go stale".
So, she ate ‘em all up and that was that.
Then, she threw them all up, fear of getting fat.
Cause even Red Riding Hood reads magazines,
the ones prescribing diets for pre-teens.

Now, we’ve got Cinderella, she’s chilling at home
quite content with being alone.
She is playing with the mice and singing with the birds
and they’re the only ones who ever heard these words.
She said "I’ll get in the damn pumpkin. Do it all right,
weep and lose my slipper, freak out at midnight.
But there’s one thing that the prince might not like,
it’s the Fairygodess I’m after.
I’m a dyke."

She screams at the top of her lungs "I’m whole,
I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul"
She screams at the top of her lungs "I’m whole,
I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul."

So we’ve got Snow White, she’s a homemaker of sorts cause she cleans and she cooks and she takes care of dwarves. One day, I said "SnowWhite, go back to school".
She said "No, I can’t, I’d feel like a fool. You know, it’s hard for us womyn to try to be ourselves,
we spend our whole damn lives taking care of little elves.

Now we’ve got Rapunzel, she’s chilling in the tower, waiting for the handsome prince
she’s sapped of all her power.
Finally, one day, the handsome prince in town
called up to Rapunzel, "Yo girl, let it down!"
But our dear Rapunzel was nowhere to be seen,
yes our dear Rapunzel had learned something keen.
"All that time alone kinda taught me how to cope,
so I shaved my head and I made me a rope!"

Now, Helen of Troy, they say, launched a thousand ships
with the short of her skirt and the shape of her lips.
And when that old bard lay the blame at her face
for the rape of a nation-
Wrong time. Wrong place.
Helen simply whispered, "history’s our test.
Look between the lines, girls, Read beneath the text."

She screams at the top of her lungs, "I’m whole,
I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul"
She screams at the top of her lungs, "I’m whole,
I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul"
She screams.

What's the Matter by Catie Curtis

I love this town you can see the stars at night
Even from downtown ‘cause there are no city lights
This town was my biggest fan
‘Til I was who I am

What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this girl
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world

I love this town the moon is dancing on the waves
And in the bars half of them are underage
People let a lot slip by
When they look a lot alike

What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this girl
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world

What if I am Black or Jew
Straight or queer mother of two
Run around in a hippie dress
Ride my bike in a leather vest
What’s the matter

I love this town where I climbed the apple trees
And that was me cheering for the hometown team
I’ve got something to give
In this town where I want to live

So what’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this girl
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be why be
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world
Why be afraid

Sleepless by Kate Havnevik*

Catch me as I fly
Passing by at night
Watch me as I go, outside
It's another world
When the moon is high
And the walking keeps,
Me breathing

Sleepless,
I shouldn't be here
Sleepless,
Twenty-four hours of searching

Down the narrow streeets
I can feel the breeze
Going small and tired, like me
Drink some more of this
Feel the morning bliss
Songs of airplanes in my head

Sleepless,
I shouldn't be here
Sleepless,
Twenty-four hours
Sleepless,
I have I have to keep walking
Sleepless,
Twenty-four hours of searching
Searching for my life

Sleepless,
Sleepless,
Oh sleepless,
Sleepless,
Sleepless


(*I finally was able to fall asleep this morning a little bit after 6 a.m. Insomnia sucks.)

"Closer to Nowhere" by Jen Foster

Do you know who you are?
Do you ever think about it?
If you were told it`s a place
Would you drive until you found it?

Or would you turn down a street
That you know would lead to where you were before?
You call it home, but are you really sure
That`s your home?

Do you know what you want?
Have you ever reconsidered
What a trip we are on
And it`s the only ride we`re given?

If you could fly, would you try?
Would your feet stay firmly planted on the ground?
Can you explain why the only place you go
Is to waste?

Now you go to work and you work all day
You smoke and bitch on your coffee break
You tell some jokes to kill that time
Til the boss comes back and at the stroke of 5
You hit those bars, you have some drinks
You drown in all your long lost dreams
Oh no, you`re closer to nowhere

Do you know who you love?
Can you say those words with feeling?
Or when you look in those eyes
Is there someone else you`re seeing?

Do you dream of a day
You could take the love without running away?
What is it now? Do you need a little space?
Or are you wanting out?

Now you go to work and you work all day
You smoke and bitch on your coffee break
You grab that phone, rehearse those lines
Then you call home sayin` you gotta work tonight
You hit those bars, you buy some drinks
For the first one who looks good and thinks you`re cool
You`re closer to nowhere...

You fake it so well
Nobody can tell
You buy what they sell
You`re going places....

Now you go to work and you work all day
You smoke and bitch on your coffee break
You share your plans and you swear you`ll quit
Maybe next year or the year after it
You hit those bars, you have some drinks
You take those pills, you go to sleep
You wake up someday all alone
You realize another year is gone
You`re closer to nowhere

And all these signs will be your guides
But you must pay attention
And all the lights that line the sides
Are beautiful, don`t miss them...

You`re closer to nowhere...

More for Me by Tegan and Sara

Had a bad day
As bad as they come
Time to get a real job
You gotta stop having fun
So I got a real job
I'm working nine to nine
I'm making five bucks an hour
'til the day I die
Got a straw inside of me
And it's filled just fine
Got a straw inside of me
With the strongest wine
Well I'm one third passion
And I'm two thirds pride
Said I used to have a life once
He said I used to like your smile once
Singing silence to the world
But the stars kept marching
He said silence to everyone
I said I'm still talking
Have you got some more deep inside of you
I'll always have more for me
I take a little more for me baby
I got a picture of the way
The world has summed me up
If I could have one wish
I sure wish that I had never grown up
I got a picture of the way I looked
When I was three
I came out laughing screaming dancing
I used to be free spirited
Now I'm just free of sleep
I got a burning passion in my throat
I got a burning passion inside me
I got a job that wastes my time and gift
I got a life that needs a serious lift
And all the things I wanted
Yes all the things I want
Go on and on and on and on
On and on and on and on
Well I go on
Silence to the world
But the stars keep marching
Silence to everyone
But I kept talking
Have you got some more deep inside of you
Yes I'll always have more more me
He says all the things I want they go
So I, I take a little more for me

Lady by Regina Spektor

Lady sing the blues so well
as if she mean it
as if it's hell down here
in the smoke filled world
where the jokes are cold, they don't laugh at jokes
they laugh at tragedies

corner street societies
but they believe her
they never leave her while she sings
she make them feel things

she says "I can sing this song so blue
that you will cry in spite of you
little wet tears on your baby's shoulder
little wet tears on your baby's shoulder

and I have walked these streets so long
there ain't nothin' right, there ain't nothin' wrong
but the little wet tears on my baby's shoulder
little wet tears on my baby's shoulder"

Lady lights a cigarette, puffs away, no regrets
takes a look around, no regrets no regrets
stretches out like branches of a poplar tree
says "I am free", sings so soft as if she'll break

says "I can sing this song so blue
that you will cry in spite of you
little wet tears on your baby's shoulder
little wet tears on your baby's shoulder

and I have walked these streets so long
there ain't nothin' right, nothin' wrong
but the little wet tears on my baby's shoulder
little wet tears on my baby's shoulder
but on this stage I've learned to fly
learned to sing and learned to cry
little wet tears on my baby's shoulder
little wet tears on my baby's shoulder

but now it's time to say goodbye
some might laugh, but I will surely cry
little wet tears on my baby's shoulder
little wet tears on my baby's shoulder"

Lady lights a cigarette
puffs away
and winter comes
and she
forgets

Beautifully by Jay Brannan

Well, she'll burn that bridge
And build a house
And swallow the smoke in her mouth
She'll feel the burn
And then make the choice
To put the fire in her voice

32 Flavors by Ani DiFranco

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

I was twenty (and I don't even know you)

Nineteen
by Tegan and Sara

I felt you in my legs
Before I even met you
And when I layed beside you
For the first time
I told you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(call me)
I felt you in my life
Before I ever thought to
Felt the need to lay down
Beside you
And tell you I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
And now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)
Flew home,
Back to where we met
Stayed inside I was so upset
I cooked up a plan,
So good except
I was all alone
You were all I had
Love you
You were all mine
Love me
I was yours right
I was yours right
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)

(--<)

I firmly believe in the restorative powers of sleep. Sure, there's that whole "energy" thing--but most importantly, there's that whole "faith in humanity and the world" thing too :-) I'm feeling good about life. Below is a favorite song (guitar by Mike Mennard, vocals by his brother-in-law?).

I refuse to allow disappointments or skewed opinions to extinguish my passion--hence my insertion of "not" in the line "I will hate what I want."


I've got a friend who says it's wrong
to like fast food joints.
but I do.
I realize some people feel it's square
to dig your parents,
but I do.
And here's the key,
my parents love me too.

I've got a Christian friend who says its wrong
to love this world,
but I do.
I've got left wing friend who says its wrong
to love my country,
but I do.
When I'm gone I miss them,
what you gonna do?

I'll love who I choose and be better for it
I will [not] hate what I want
'cuz that's me.
And I think I'll make a stand
even though I know I'll fall
and pay the price for living free
freee
I will pay the price.

If you think you can stop the drugs
If you think you can stop the guns
If you think you can stop the sex
If you've been trying to shut down Christmas
where the hell have you been the past ten thousand years?
And have you no shame for the price of our tears?

This goes out to the opinion takers
This goes out to the policy makers
This goes to the movers and the shakers
If you think that you rule my world
heyyyy heyyyy heyyyyy

I will love who chooose and be better for it
I will [not] hate what I want
'cuz that's me
and I think I'll make a stand
even though I know I'll fall
and pay the price for living free
freee
I will pay the price for living free
freee yeah
I will pay the price for living free
free, free.