Beautifully dreadful

I'm super excited.

So my hair has been driving me crazy lately. Tyler used to give me fun new haircuts pretty much each month during first semester, but he graduated. I haven't had a real haircut since November (I think). So naturally my hair is going all bonkers, which makes me go bonkers. I've been meaning to find a friend with clippers (I feel like going to a salon for such short hair is a waste). People have asked me if I'm going to grow it out, and I always respond that I would probably only grow it out to dread it.

What do you see?

Images: in your face, at the barely-visible end of your peripheral, behind you, inside your mind. You don't need to be visually-oriented like I am to figure out that the world is pretty much a 5-course meal for your eyes.

In Rhetoric class, we're learning about the persuasive power of images (often mixed with words). While it may seem like a no-brainer, it's often the obvious, taken-for-granted concepts we ignore rather than carefully consider.

Of course, me being me, I love to consider things--roll them softly along grey coils, spin them till up and down are only intangible concepts, taste the strands of truth slowly unraveling, feel the explosion of understanding in the tips of my toes, bask in the stillness after thundering enlightenment (the stillness crying out that I still know nothing for certain).

I love to consider things. Words and images are pretty powerful entities, throwing me in a whirlwind of thought whether I'm ready for it or not.

An advertisement stole my mind yesterday. For our class investigation into the persuasiveness of images, we focused on pages found in outdated publications. I don't know what magazine the particular advertisement was from (my friend Sierra was originally looking at it) or how it relates to the product or service being sold (I think it's for a computer company).

However, it did succeed at causing me to question that "silly" decision to stop smoking. I'll upload the image later, but here's a taste.

Image: Sensual woman with a burning cigarette between her teeth.

Text:
_____________________________
some people say
that we should go through life
with our eyes wide open
those people will never see what i see
they will never experience
the joy of sitting in the dark
a darkness that gives birth do ideas.
when imagination
mingles with inspiration.
it is then that you realize
that darkness is not unlike
a blank canvas.
anything is possible
_____________________________

Today marks Day 9 of my smokeless journey. I wonder why I quit buying lovely Crushes and want to cave for artistic reasons. I haven't tried writing a poem yet without my dependable "sin stick." What if I can't do it? What's so great about keeping my eyes open to a distant, potentially cancerous reality when the world dancing in my head looks so much prettier? I cannot see death, but I can see poetry formed from waves of smoke. Dammit.

I need to remember that:
-Smoke isn't just killing me, production is also injuring the planet
-Creativity is not ignited by flames but by soul
-Frivolous outside stimuli (images) should not dictate my decisions (I can be persuasive back)
-Um, it's BAD for me--don't do it...

I will keep my eyes open to see Day 10.

Day 2

I'm a quitter--my mother has pointed that out.

When I was six, I took gymnastics--then promptly decided I definitely wasn't a gymnast.
At eight I started piano lessons. Let's just say that was a fail.
Around the same time, I became convinced that one day I'd be a dental hygienist. My dental-hygienist dream lasted four years, until I realized I wanted more out of life than time with other people's teeth (as lovely as they may be).

I burn out and quit things.

I also have an addictive personality. When I find something I REALLY like, I...well, let's just say "like" is an understatement and it doesn't go away very fast. This is great, and helps me shed that "quitter" tendency.

Unfortunately, I wouldn't mind if my quitter tendencies overrode my addictive personality. Especially today.

What's special about today? It's the day following yesterday, and yesterday I decided to quit smoking. Yesterday, with my single (and last) cigarette in the morning, was difficult. I can smoke half a pack in twelve hours, easy-peasy. Just one cigarette? Not so easy-peasy.

Today is 20 million times worse than yesterday. Maybe it's the craving for nicotine (I'm not using nicotine patches or gum), maybe it's the psychological dependence--I don't know. All I know is that today has sucked--definitely the worst day since school has started (maybe of the last few months). Why did I decide quitting early in the week would be a good idea? Then again, I usually smoke waaay more cigarettes on weekends, so I suppose there was some logic to the madness.

And that's what this is--madness. I drank a large coffee, ate too many nerds, and purchased tons of blue gum to compensate for this new adjustment. Hsi-Tang said, "The secret to happiness lies in the mind's release from worldly ties."

I'm trying to do that. Eliminate this dependence on things. Yet, more dependences are created as the result. Is there anyway to truly be released from worldly (material/superficial/unhealthy) ties (addictions/dependence/bondage)?

I think about all the things we've created that manipulate our minds and bodies by causing cravings--sugar, caffeine, nicotine, fried foods, etc. I want to get away from it, and consume things at my own leisure for enjoyment--not because I "need to have them."

It's not just food or drink that I feel tie me down. It's whatever I can live a happy, full life without. Like this computer. I can survive without it, yet I'd be terribly upset if that's what I was forced to do.

I will keep what is already in my possession and useful to being a well-rounded person (like this laptop, which is great for school work). I want to clear out the excessive things that do not contribute to any sort of personal growth or centered-ness (I believe books/art/music/artistic expression can be important for a person to experience, so I'm keeping the ones I frequently use).

I want to make choices based on important factors, not say:

"But I can't live without -random item/addiction-, so I won't -dream/aspire/work toward personal or societal growth-".

I want to quit dependence and be free to grow, touch the world, understand, travel, touch people.

And so, Mom was right--I am a quitter. And for that, I'm very glad.