What do you live for?

A friend and classmate of mine makes beautiful collages. Below is one of my favorites:

You are beautiful

Unfortunately I couldn't find a way to embed the following video. Check out Incisors by Jim Huscher. FUCKING AMAZING. I hope there's a way to access the whole piece once the voting is finished. This has become one of my absolute favorite poems <3

Edit: I just watched Red Light by William Evans. That one is amazing too.

Edit.2: I just learned how to embed from Podslam:

Inside

I took a silly facebook quiz titled What is Your Inner Self? It told me I was the Universal Person:

You are a perfect balance of everything. You've gone through a fair share of things and you are able to put yourself in other peoples shoes. You are caring and understanding. You are fun and warm to be around. You tend to help people. You know what it is like to be at an all time low and you know how to deal with things. You consider all of your friends to be good friends. You are kinda like the Goldilocks of personalities. The things you do are practical, but sensitive to whom it would affect. You are at ease with yourself, and have spent a good deal of time finding yourself, and now that you have, you've finally bloomed into something beautiful. Thanks for taking this quiz, I hope you enjoyed it.

I'm certainly not the balance of everything, but thanks for saying so Quiz Creator. Most of the result was generalities, and probably too nice, but the part I bolded made me very happy. The first two parts are very true, and I hope I'm blooming into something beautiful. I hope I always continue blooming and becoming, even on the day my body breaks down and returns to the earth.

Science and Buddhism/Meditation

 I found this excerpt about an article dealing with the interactions of the right and left side of the brain on The Buddhist Blog:

Enlightenment has been described in many ways, but what is common to most descriptions of enlightenment is a change in the sense of ‘self,’ and a sensation of a release from suffering. An enlightened person is said to no longer identify with herself as the individual she once was. She is also said to no longer experience negative thoughts.

Our feeling part of our Self is located in the limbic system, in this case the amygdala. In most people, the left side feels pleasure or positive emotions, and the right side experiences negative emotions. In each case, the right (positive) and left (negative) components are synaptically ‘wired’ to each other. Thoughts and emotions are communicated back and forth between both sides of the the brain along the synapses. Now here is where meditation impacts these processes. Most meditative practices involve techniques to de-emphasize, defuse or reduce negative thoughts. Over the long term, what this means in the brain is that the transmission of electrical impulses into both the right side (negative) of both the amygdala and hippocampus is reduced. Fewer negative feelings and thoughts, less activity along those pathways.

Published studies support the idea that long term meditation works by ‘starving’ the brain of negative emotions and expectations. So meditation not only trains us not to respond as intensely and frequently to negative thoughts and emotions, it also causes an ‘atrophying’ of our brain’s ability to process those thoughts and emotions. But the caveat here, is that it takes a lot of consistent practice over the long term.

Sometimes I wish had the courage, or perhaps just filthy soul, to lie. Especially if it fixed relationships with paint. Gorrilla glue is always so much more obvious, and you can see the cracks. You can't look away from the cracks. You fall between the cracks.

I need to stop messing around and do homework.

"It's not about what body you're in. It's about just souls trying to get by." Even though Lucy Lawless was talking about a new television show, it applies to life. As C.S. Lewis says, "You don't have a Soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."

Buddhist quote

In fact, everything we encounter in this world with our six senses is an inkblot test. You see what you are thinking and feeling, seldom what you are looking at.
Shiqin

This is intelligence?

Quiz result:

"Your strongest type of intelligence is Interpersonal. You thrive when thinking about people, social situations, and human interaction.

Your brain is roughly:

40% Interpersonal

20% Visual

30% Verbal

10% Mathematical"

"Let's pretend to be grown up, aware, adventurous."

Their laughter reflects awareness of an audience. Do they play the full-house to each other, or do we (sitting behind, invisible, preoccupied, silent)?

You sing about touching the sky, instead of implications. Nobody sings about implications.

There are concepts floating around my mind, bumping into each other with such force I'm surprised each are not shattered. TropeofMarginalityEssentialismOriginoftheUniverseSymbolicViolenceCriticalRaceTheory...

The infinite lines they create press hard, through, down, around, beneath me. Can you feel the pressure building? Because once knowledge arrives, the force to do something about it quickly follows. Usually, however, the how remains MIA.

I seem to be a very strong mix of archetypes 7 & 8

8 - the Asserter

My Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").

"I must be strong"

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• Stand up for yourself... and me.

• Be confident, strong, and direct.

• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

• Give me space to be alone.

• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am. (I don't really do much, if any, of that).

What I Like about Being an EIGHT

• being independent and self-reliant

• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

• being courageous, straightforward, and honest

• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

• upholding just causes

What's Hard about Being an EIGHT

• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

• never forgetting injuries or injustices (I don't really hold grudges. Except maybe against people like Hitler).

• putting too much pressure on myself

• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

EIGHTs as Children Often

• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

• are sometimes loners (this really only applied when I couldn't get my nose out of a good book)

• seize control so they won't be controlled

• figure out others' weaknesses (I have no idea if this was true or not, same with next two)

• attack verbally or physically when provoked

• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

EIGHTs as Parents

• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

• are sometimes overprotective

• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

7 - the Adventurer
My Enneagram type is SEVEN (aka "The Enthusiast").

"I am happy and open to new things"

Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.

• Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.

• Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.

• Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.

• Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.

• Don't tell me what to do.

What I Like About Being a SEVEN

• being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down

• being spontaneous and free-spirited

• being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.

• being generous and trying to make the world a better place

• having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures

• having such varied interests and abilities

What's hard about being a SEVEN

• not having enough time to do all the things I want

• not completing things I start

• not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career

• having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies

• feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship

SEVENs as Children Often

• are action oriented and adventuresome

• drum up excitement

• prefer being with other children to being alone

• finesse their way around adults

• dream of the freedom they'll have when they grow up

SEVENs as Parents

• are often enthusiastic and generous

• want their children to be exposed to many adventures in life

• may be too busy with their own activities to be attentive

meaningless.

Your eyes are white
Round drops of snow
Like I drop her name
In casual conversation
Because I hate the way you
Ask
“Are you going to banquet?”
As if it means
“Do you have a boyfriend?
And I wonder if the whiteness
Is really blindness
(no, my facebook relationship status is not a joke mr.—fill in the blank—)
But then he asks
And I tell
And the vice president of student services
(don’t I pay your bills?)
Wants me to know that
She knows gasp
That I’m gay
so I pull out my
anger
backtalk
piece
peace
nod and say
“Yes, ma-am—-we won't act like a couple in public.
No, we won't sit too close.
Of course sex should be kept for marriage”
But I wonder if she realizes that’ll take a move to Iowa
And well
Union College
Isn’t in Iowa.
And I bet
Even in Iowa
the whites of their eyes
Would still be showing.

She sat kitty-corner in a coffee shop

You roll your eyes. Conspicuous yet subtle with blue cloth wrapped around your head.
“Don’t stare at me. I’m just another American,” says the secret language of your body
The way your accent lies flat—Nebraskan.

A stranger at home.

I don’t know who you worship. Is your head covering called a burka? Are you hindu?

I keep my eyes downcast. Locked to the keyboard.

Your conversation with a normalboy seems a normaldate. You hate the way people watch you as if your entire existence is abnormal.

I wonder if your name is Abby or more exotic. What counts as exotic?

Again, you catch my eyes wandering
You are a picture from national geographic, stuck on a seat in the local coffee shop.

You hate that I stare—and we’re aware of each other. No attraction, no beauty—just cold difference melded into curiosity.

You consider yourself the curiosity, and have little patience.

You must not watch the gossiping eyes follow me to the counter. My head covering, betraying me another stranger at home, is shorn close to the sides.

Lesbian. Hindu.

Whatever.

You think I stare because we are so different.
And we are.
(thank you Union College.
thank you WASP community.)

But appearances are deceiving.

You roll your eyes.

What do you C?

Life has been pretty interesting lately. Then, again when isn't it interesting? Even if I don't always find it fascinating someone else I'm sure is. Life is life, no matter where you go.

Anyways, enough ramblings (or maybe just time for a ramble-subject-change). Me and C are back together. I'm not really getting too emotionally attached (and hey, the whole bathroom stall instance inspired a new poem I might perform. Maybe I'll post it sometime).

Last Friday, I was preparing to leave town to visit some summer friends. While trying to secure a leave request ("we don't just let people go visit other colleges"), I was called into Linda Becker's office. Of course, I was very very confused. The first half of the conversation had nothing to do with the leave request (so ended up making more sense).

Pretty much, Linda (and Dean C) just wanted to let me know that they know that I'm gay. Well, I already knew that LB knew but I suppose they couldn't have known that I already knew (these last two sentences have way too many variations of "know" in it). I guess they also wanted to say more than just that, like the whole bit where I'm not allowed to try to turn anyone else gay (laughter much? YES).

Overall, I was actually impressed with how they handled "the situation" (for lack of a better word. The only time I'm a situation is when I don't have my morning coffee). They were supportive of me (not saying they endorse homosexuality, of course--don't want them getting in trouble with "good" Adventists), kind, DIDN'T KICK ME OUT, and just wanted to make sure I knew that I couldn't be having sex all over campus. Of course, when they talked about expecting the same thing from heterosexual and homosexual couples in terms of not having sex outside of marriage I couldn't help but think "riiight, because I actually have the option to get married."

Anyways, over all it was a pretty positive conversation (and LB kept saying nice things about me to soften any negativity or possibility of hurt. YAY COMPLIMENTS!)

This usage of the term "LB" reminds me of Jordy's exgirlfriend (LauraBeth or something?). I miss my summer friends. I got to see Dani, Michelle and Kyle last night. Why does everything change?

When I met that crowd in the beginning of summer, it was solid (at least in appearance--and to a new-comer, that's all that matters at the time anyway). Jordy and Kyle were dating. Dani and Cooper were still best friends. Michelle was pretty darn happy. Alexa was still around (with made for a happy Kyle). Then there was Leise and her infamous porch. Everyone that sat upon it were friends (or some variation). Tight.

Why do relationships always splinter like cracked wood? I'm not even sad about this enivitable change anymore.

I remember my first recognition of the fact that things between people always change, and you can't go back except in falsely-bright memories. I don't remember how old I was. Sam hadn't yet joined the Marines, and Paul was living with us, I hadn't left for Academy yet. I was probably around 12, and we all played Dark Age of Camelot (yes, my first recognition of loss, nostalgia and change concerning friendships involved a computer game. Shut up.)

My brother was part of the Society of Merlin, a guild in DAoC. My dad, as usual, had his Vindicator's guild, but for some reason I was drawn to SoM (not to be confused with S&M). I vividly remember the guild leader Solarene, the interplay between the members (it was small, tight-knit group), and being the guild's "favorite daughter."

After a time, I stopped played and probably switched to another game (I played way too many MMOs growing up--thanks Dad). At one point, I returned to DAoC (it still remains the only MMO I actually wanted to play solo--all others, I would only play if I got to play with my family members or friends). I returned to Society of Merlin.

Everything had changed. The new members didn't know me. Old members were few and far between, and even their presence didn't help things much. My young self felt a sense of loss I was unfamiliar with--a desire to return to "the good ol' days."

Sure, I laugh now at the sheer absurdity of it all (not to mention how stupid this makes me appear as I blog about something so nerdy). Yet, as I travel through life's cycles of friendship the lesson I learned as a nerdy kid keeps presenting itself with each new "season" (whether this an actual period of time or just percieved).

Nothing will ever be like the the past (family holidays when I had yet to be as tall as my grandma, my super secret gift club with childhood pals, the CTT, Kalvin, watching Stargate with my dad, being a cowgirl with my mom, cooking with Kaley, everday chats with Todd, late night conversations with Tiff K, getting ready for Friday night Vespers with the girls from Wisconsin Academy, the list is neverending).

I get nostlagic.

Yet, I find all these new adventures much more condusive to personal growth and mostly pretty darn awesome (not to mention, I wouldn't be able to hang on to the past even if I tried--might as well go willingly).

I wonder what current new experiences and environments I will eventually become nostalgic for. C? The Mill?

When it comes to C, I'm not expecting for it to become relatively long term. One of my friends asked why decide to date her then. Just because you may miss something (or someone) in the future, is not a good reason enough for me not to pursue said thing/person.

A book on psychology that I'm reading encouraged me to appreciate (and seek out) intensity in life--not always just things that promise longevity. After all, nothing really can ever promise longevity.

Besides, I'm living now--what good will living in the future (or past) do me? Our life is made up of tiny "present" moments...and darnit, there are so many thoughts floating around right now that I can't seem to find the proper words for.

Maybe I'll continue trying to describe the birds flying circles in my brain some other time.

Surprises

I met someone... AT UNION COLLEGE. Yeah, I didn't expect it either. We had briefly met the beginning of the year, but a mutual friend did us a huge favor and coordinated a re-introduction. I'm all giddy, because...well a) she's awesome and b) she goes to Union.

Enter, my hesitation (stage left).

Are we attracted to each other simply because of the setting (aka, nobody else at Union we could be interested in)? If we met randomly downtown, would we still be as interested? Even if we would not have naturally gravitated towards each other elsewhere, is that necessarily bad? Does this mean a potentially successful relationship is doomed?

I'm not sure, but I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. I need stop over thinking this (and life in general) and just say que se ra, se ra--whatever will be, will be.

Despite my mild confusion and questions, I got sidetracked during Rhetoric class with thoughts of her.

Lips. Smile.
Flashes of identical white stones
polished to a sterling gleam
Do you clean them with purity
found in an open mind?
I never saw vices that looked
so much like virtues
as we sit on the box
our souls used to sleep in.
My fingers are pieces of tangled rope
drawing conclusions from the tilt
of your head.
What does it mean to be
the only apples on a tree?
The names and offenses screamed
by whispering leaves
leave bruises on our skin.
We find shelter in the unlikeliest of places
watching smoke drift like
possibilities through
our parted lips.

Let's get ethical

Our Public Relations Principles class was assigned an interesting assignment this week: write our own Code of Ethics. Sometimes I have a hard time always living up to mine (occasional gossip? Totally guilty), and found this exercise to be eye-opening. It's not that most of these things aren't common sense, or of the general "be a good person" variety, but sometimes I don't reflect on the obvious.

I'm going to (try and remember to) print them out and hang them on my bulletin board as a constant reminder of what I'm striving for and how I should be treating existence (humans, animals, the planet, myself, etc).

Hannah's Code of Ethics

Embody Compassion

1. Respect for living beings
a. As inhabitants on this world, we are all equal
b. Abstain from causing unnecessary physical and emotional harm to animals and humans
i. Humans: Avoid violence of the body (except in self-defense), avoid violence of the lips (gossip, malicious words, etc)
ii. Animals: If I do not need to be the cause of an animals death (meat products) or suffering (non-free range dairy products), then abstain

2. Respect for truth
a. Do not deceive others (unless to present a surprise) or self

3. Advocate equality
a. Value The Declaration for Human Rights
b. Act on behalf of the socially, economically, physically, politically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally oppressed
c. Impassion and educate others

4. Advocate the Earth
a. Reduce carbon footprint/negative impact whenever possible
b. Impassion and educate others
c. Spend time in nature


Seek Personal Growth

5. Be free
a. Do not develop emotional attachment to objects or places
b. “Want,” but do not “need”
i. Do not return to smoking/addictions

6. Be open
a. Always be open to new ideas, experiences, beliefs, etc.
b. No one can be 100 percent certain they’ve found the (only) truth

7. Pursue truth
a. Use science, wisdom and personal experience to discover truth
b. Truth is relative

8. Pursue enlightenment and awareness
a. Clear the mind
i. Meditate
ii. Abstain from frequent use of alcohol
1. Takes away clarity, clouds the essence and does not promote creativity or new perspectives
b. Follow The Eightfold Path as a guide
c. Foster creativity in self and others
d. Practice active observance

"Edie, are you gay?" ... "Am I gay? I'm ECSTATIC!"

It's been a bit since I've blogged last. 139 days, 22 hours and 6 minutes to be exact (aka, all summer plus some). Instead, it feels like a lifetime has gone by since I first "chopped off" my hair. I'm tempted to write about everything this summer entailed, but a) that would take too long and b) it may be prudent to turn my blog to private. I don't feel like doing that latter yet (although maybe sometime I will).

I'm tired of living like the world is made of fine china; tiptoeing around potentially revealing information and spinning away from awkward conversation. This summer I experienced freedom, inspiration and growth (emotional, mental, spiritual--unfortunately never vertical).

I thought that being "out" on facebook/myspace would make some sort of difference when I got to Union. Although my summer friends all knew that I'm queer, I worried about what would happen when my friends/acquaintances at Union College found out. Would I lose friends? Would people talk about me behind my back? Would I get in trouble with the deans?

I needn't have worried. Nobody pays attention to the info page on Facebook, except I guess during stalk-age mode. At first I thought some of my friends had noticed and just weren't saying anything. But then when I'd explain that I met someone over the summer, they kept asking what "his" name is. Fail.

You'd think I'd be happy no one is stalking me and no one noticed the "Interested in women" change on FB. But I'm not.

I was glad my family found out, and I came out to my friends for a reason. It's awful skirting around topics, always fearful someone will find out the "big secret." I thought people would notice that I'm queer, then decide whether or not they still want to talk to me. I'd just be left with true friends. Easy peasy, lemon-squeezy.

Now I can't tell them face-to-face, because that'd just be awkward as I don't know how these conservative students would react. They'd be more likely to freak out and then just pretend to still be friends with me. I'm not into playing pretend.

So I'm still dancing on china, tripping over my own feet. Yeah, I'll go with the cliche and ask "when will this song end?"

How can I incite positive conversation, or come out in a non-scary, non-threatening way?

Chop, chop, chop

It's so funny how society automatically links (non/conforming to) gender roles with sexual orientation. The three (gender role, gender identity, sexual orientation) are all completely different and unique entities--they do not correlate.

I cut my hair on Saturday, and now sport a fauxhawk/betty boop head (depending on styling). Within 24 hours, I had a girl ask for my number and a friend ask "Hannah, do you like girls or boys more?"

It made me laugh. A lot.
Okay, I'm still sort of chuckling.

love post. valentines day come late?

I'm currently listening to a podcast that talks about love. The first part was a depressing bit about a couple's "how we met" story. I wondered why the heck my friend sent this link to me. Lovey-dovey stories just depress me right now.

Then a story about platonic love came up--a story about friendship between two eight-year-old little girls. Listening to the interview, I discovered these two had actually been born male and identify as female. Now I know why my friend sent me this. Anyone who knows me at all, knows I love learning about and discussing gender and sexuality identity issues. Anyway, I've heard transgender adults explain how they always felt "different" as children and/or identified as the opposite sex--but I've never heard from children themselves who feel that way. It was fascinating.

On a not-so-fascinating note. I'm happier not thinking or talking about people I like. I just get depressed. And I think maybe it doesn't make others too happy either. I should become a nun or somehing. Become married to my cause for peace and social justice. I don't think peace and social justice would keep me warm at night, though.