Distraction? GONNA KICK YO BUTT!

This facebook addiction is ridiculous. And whenever I'm compelled to check facebook (you know, about every fifteen and a half seconds), I have to check Twitter and my blog feed. Just in case. Sort of like when I check a locked door or oven fifty times because I can't remember if I really turned that key or knob. Except with facebook, there's no excuse. Just that same compulsion.

So, along with quitting smoking I'm going to quit my Facebook, blog (not blogging, just checking the feed), and Twitter addiction. Not that it's like smoking, but it'll still be hard. I'm going to limit myself to twice a day: once in the morning when I wake up and once in the evening before I got to sleep. Fifteen minutes each time. Which means I need to replace my homepage tabs with other things. Maybe CNN? Maybe eliminate home page tabs altogether so I stop getting so distracted on the internet? I'm not sure.

If I'm good and follow my plan (which includes weekends), I'll get a star. I still haven't made that star chart, but I'm totally going to. Maybe today. I'm excited.

lonely.
but needing space.
wishing for love and hugs.
without pity.
wanting luxurious simplicity.
feeling.
positively negative.
fucktoday.
sounds so much.
like lonely.

More from World Prayers

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. You should be happy right in the here and now. There is no way to enlightenment. Enlightenment should be right here and right now. The moment when you come back to yourself, mind and body together, fully present, fully alive, that is already enlightenment. You are no longer a sleepwalker. You are no longer in a dream. You are fully alive. You are awake. Enlightenment is there. And if you continue each moment like that, enlightenment becomes deeper. More powerful. There is no way to enlightenment, enlightenment is the way.

vietnamese zen buddhist monk - thich nhat hanh - 2007

Things I want to make (when I have ingredients/time)

Decorations/Aesthetics

•  A toothbrush bracelet. It would have to be for someone else, like Kaity, because I can't handle wearing bracelets. I think it's awesome though and would love making one.
• On learning about making wooden pendants, I learned that a couple coats of VERY strong coffee works as natural stain. 
• Paper beads. I'm so excited! I have a giant bag full of paper I've been needing to shred and recycle, but this is a much better (and fun) alternative.
• A delicious smelling clove necklace.
• Doodle pendants! They are made from #6 plastic. I wonder if "recycling" it for pendants is worse than actually recycling them.
• Although this is for greeting cards, I would recycle old audio tapes by applying to a canvas on my wall.

 Household/School

• The bucket lamp, although I would want to paint (with some sort of sheer silver or gold/tan) designs on the bucket first.
• Plastic paper clips from recycled cards.
•  Adjusted liquid soap dispenser to lessen waste.
• Useful things like deodorant and shampoo. Woot. 
• Yoga mat from an old sweater.

Edible

• Grow my own wheatgrass and Chinese cabbages (in PVC piping) indoors.
• Almond milk.

I should get off Instructables.com and the internet. Maybe I'll borrow Kaity's hula hoop and try to create rings around my body. That sounds like fun.

I want some sunshine.

Chelsi and I broke up tonight. I don't feel the way I thought I would, and the release I felt when I first made the decision is absent. I don't really feel right now, except maybe a bit of negative energy. Maybe I just need sleep and serotonin.

I got a note from the deans tonight, explaining that I need to make another appointment with Linda B. Wondering what now? I talked to Dean M. Apparently they assumed I wasn't serious about quitting smoking and hadn't talked to Stan yet. Confused and slightly insulted (especially at the continued skepticism and slight sternness), I explained that I had had my first session last week and we're scheduled to meet every Thursday. I don't have to see LB now.

I'm tired. So tired. And empty. Done. Ready for change and sunshine. Where is the fucking sunshine? 

Last night I was thinking and realized

A path appears not when you seek it, but when you explore why you are walking in the first place.

Get your swaaaaap on.

I can't sleep. So I made Trade and Barter: UC Connection. Mostly for me (I have lots of stuff to get rid of, and some things (like curtains) that I want). Maybe it'll catch on and will be useful. Maybe it'll just be a flop. Either way, it was an interesting way to distract myself from insomnia. Although I suppose that doesn't really work. Unless I can fall asleep typing this. That'd be cool. No more coffee for me!

:-)

It's been a while since I've felt how I feel now.

While the last -who knows how long- hasn't found me as tense and agitated as I felt today, I still haven't felt this balanced since the beginning of school. I feel good. Completely at peace. I want to go more into depth, but don't really know what to say. What else needs to be said? Confusion has vanished, and my tension along with it. Although some days humanity's harsh inhumanity makes me cringe, there are nights like tonight that I cannot begin to describe people's capacity for warmth, comfort, understanding, empathy, love. People like Michael, Tiffany, Kaity, and Z.

Maybe that doesn't even make sense. I suppose it doesn't really need to. All that needs to make sense is my appreciation of this new-found peace.

Heart Warming Story of the Week*

Seven year old raises 200k for Haiti


http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/01/25/uk.boy.charity.haiti/index.html?hpt=T2

(*Thanks to Tiffany D.)

To read

New York Times:
Children speak for same-sex marriage

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/21/fashion/21kids.html?pagewanted=1&emc=eta1

"8: The Mormon Proposition" premiers at Sundance

http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2010/01/8-the-mormon-proposition-premiers-sunday-at-sundance/

Dive by Andrea Gibson

i often repeat myself
and the second time's a lie
i love you
i love you
see what i mean i don't
...and i do
and i'm not talking about a girl i might be kissing on
i'm talking about this world i'm blissing on
and hating
at the exact same time
see life---doesn't rhyme
it's bullets...and wind chimes
it's lynchings...and birthday parties
it's the rope that ties the noose
and the rope that hangs the backyard swing
it's a boy about to take his life
and with the knife to his wrist
he's thinking of only two things
his father's fist
and his mother's kiss
and he can't stop crying
it's wanting tonight to speak

EXCITEMENT

Daily incentive not to smoke? GOLD STAR CHART! I'm pretty incredibly stoked. Thanks to Heather, my dilemma on what daily incentive to use has disappeared. Now, just to find a gold star chart. Oooh, or rainbow star chart. Even better.

More from World Prayers

Soul of our souls, Spirit of our spirits,
And the One embracing All,
Divine One, of infinite names and none:
Powers of East, South, West and North,
And all who weave the Universe:
I call to you, within and without -
This night, this rite.

Divine Air - bring imagination and creativity to the world.
Like the far-seeing hawk,
May we see this situation as the whole complex tapestry that it is,
And be in-spired with fresh and virgin weavings.
Like the unfettered winds,
May we be freed from old assumptions and patterns in how we respond,
And breath in new possibilities.

Humanity

The sun shines down,
and its image reflects a thousand
different pots filled with water.

The reflections are many,
but they are each reflecting the same sun.

Similarly, when we come to know who we truly are,
we will see ourselves in all people.

-amma

I found this on the website World Prayers, which my friend Kelly shared with me. I have a feeling I'll be posting much of what I find on their pages.

(--<)

I've realized that by the end of the week, because that's what we've decided Friday to be, all I desire is company. Not just any company. Very specific company.

Silence.
My thoughts.
Words on a page, digital or paper.
Feelings of peace.
Feelings of space.
My record player, spinning away my stress.

I get claustrophobic. People talking to me. Touching me. Loud colors and laughter. I can't breath. The rest of the week is a dream, emotions running wild without my ability to reason or even recognize the beauty and absurdities of each day. Just the presence of another person, just a tad too often, and my head is full of cotton. Forget happy place, take me to the peace place.

I understand why Buddha was the awakened one. Each moment we are at different levels of wakefulness. For me, I require Fridays and the company of solace to wake from my week. Maybe I'll never fully awaken from life like Buddha, nor view it as it truly exists without it's dreamlike qualities muddling perception.

That's quite alright. Friday loveliness steeped with lychee black tea is good enough for me. For now.

Awww, I love this:

It is marvellous to wake up together
by Elizabeth Bishop, a lesbian poet.

It is marvellous to wake up together
At the same minute; marvellous to hear
The rain begin suddenly all over the roof,
To feel the air suddenly clear
As if electricity had passed through it
From a black mesh of wires in the sky.
All over the roof the rain hisses,
And below, the light falling of kisses.
An electrical storm is coming or moving away;
It is the prickling air that wakes us up.
If lightning struck the house now, it would run
From the four blue china balls on top
Down the roof and down the rods all around us,
And we imagine dreamily
How the whole house caught in a bird-cage of lightning
Would be quite delightful rather than frightening;
And from the same simplified point of view
Of night and lying flat on one's back
All things might change equally easily,
Since always to warn us there must be these black
Electrical wires dangling. Without surprise
The world might change to something quite different,
As the air changes or the lightning comes without our blinking,
Change as the kisses are changing without our thinking.

Words and phrases in Na'vi

oél ngáti kámeie "I See you." (Similar to Namaste. It means seeing into the person, their soul/essence/true self, and understanding/connecting.)

Eywa ngáhu "Gaia be with you" Their mother earth is the energy that is existence, along with recognition and response to that connection of energy.

káme "to See"

Kìyevame ulte Eywa ngahu. "See you again, and may Eywa be with you."

’Awve ultxari ohengeyä, Nawma Sa’nok lrrtok siveiyi. "May the Great Mother smile upon our first meeting (yeah!)."

Now, besides American Sign Language, I really want to learn the language of the Na'vi. I'm not sure what the actual language is called. According to an interview, it's the only language on Pandora but has varying dialects. This film is bringing out my inner nerd like Star Wars never did. <3

WWOOF

Over a holiday break (I don't remember if it was Thanksgiving or Christmas), I was started thinking about what I want to do this summer if I can't go to Europe. Which, because of money, I probably won't. I'm really interested in community living, and started looking at communes (not the creepy cult ones) and the like. I have a list saved as an unpublished blog post somewhere, but none of them seemed to fit exactly what I was looking for.

Today, Sierra told me about WWOOFing.

Sometimes I wish had the courage, or perhaps just filthy soul, to lie. Especially if it fixed relationships with paint. Gorrilla glue is always so much more obvious, and you can see the cracks. You can't look away from the cracks. You fall between the cracks.

I need to stop messing around and do homework.

"It's not about what body you're in. It's about just souls trying to get by." Even though Lucy Lawless was talking about a new television show, it applies to life. As C.S. Lewis says, "You don't have a Soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."

Rambling.

I was feeling inspired (and that cup of coffee and possibly even that tea). I created and performed three beautiful, meaningful, complete poems for Chelsi. The words, usually which swim from brain to mouth to pen, simply dived off my lips. I was never a strong swimmer, and I couldn't catch the words and place them where they belong. On paper. On here. Preserved for re-enactments. Then again, look at Thanksgiving Day and July 4th--built on bloodshed, America thinks these celebrations never tasted so good.

she.is.me.

This is for you. Whoever you happen to be. Maybe you're me.

I made it nine days without smoking. A semester of probably appearing as a nonsmoker to certain friends and acquaintances. Much more without thinking nostalgic thoughts about a silly, irrelevant girl named Alanna. Nineteen years without screaming gay to my family. I wrote down my fears, dried out tears like parchment.

Spoken Word

"General" by Dispatch

"General"

there was a decorated general with
a heart of gold, that likened him to
all the stories he told
of past battles, won and lost, and
legends of old a seasoned veteran in
his own time

I'm whole.

I love Alix Olson's "Eve's Mouth"

Eve’s mouth hurts from trying not to laugh
at some joke some scholar made
about her being someone’s half.
It was a joke, a lie, exaggeration, a fib.
And now you all believe I came from his rib.

She screams at the top of her lungs:
"I’m whole! I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul."

Well, Queen Victoria gave her daughter some advice
as her daughter shook and trembled on her wedding night.
Queen Victoria, she said to her daughter:
"Baby, lie still and think of the Empire!"
And her husband, though kind and mild,
he never stopped to wonder why she never smiled.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking down the trail,
she was carrying the goodies,
thought "They’ll go stale".
So, she ate ‘em all up and that was that.
Then, she threw them all up, fear of getting fat.
Cause even Red Riding Hood reads magazines,
the ones prescribing diets for pre-teens.

Now, we’ve got Cinderella, she’s chilling at home
quite content with being alone.
She is playing with the mice and singing with the birds
and they’re the only ones who ever heard these words.
She said "I’ll get in the damn pumpkin. Do it all right,
weep and lose my slipper, freak out at midnight.
But there’s one thing that the prince might not like,
it’s the Fairygodess I’m after.
I’m a dyke."

She screams at the top of her lungs "I’m whole,
I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul"
She screams at the top of her lungs "I’m whole,
I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul."

So we’ve got Snow White, she’s a homemaker of sorts cause she cleans and she cooks and she takes care of dwarves. One day, I said "SnowWhite, go back to school".
She said "No, I can’t, I’d feel like a fool. You know, it’s hard for us womyn to try to be ourselves,
we spend our whole damn lives taking care of little elves.

Now we’ve got Rapunzel, she’s chilling in the tower, waiting for the handsome prince
she’s sapped of all her power.
Finally, one day, the handsome prince in town
called up to Rapunzel, "Yo girl, let it down!"
But our dear Rapunzel was nowhere to be seen,
yes our dear Rapunzel had learned something keen.
"All that time alone kinda taught me how to cope,
so I shaved my head and I made me a rope!"

Now, Helen of Troy, they say, launched a thousand ships
with the short of her skirt and the shape of her lips.
And when that old bard lay the blame at her face
for the rape of a nation-
Wrong time. Wrong place.
Helen simply whispered, "history’s our test.
Look between the lines, girls, Read beneath the text."

She screams at the top of her lungs, "I’m whole,
I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul"
She screams at the top of her lungs, "I’m whole,
I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul"
She screams.

Reading

http://prop8trialtracker.com

"The Prop 8 Trial Tracker is a project of the Courage Campaign Institute. Throughout the Perry v Schwarzenegger trial we will be documenting and responding to the right-wing."

And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Yesterday I was pretty down, blue, whatever word fits best. It may have been left over emotional residue from the night before. It probably had a lot to do with my energy level. I drank coffee for the first time in a long while, thinking it would give me both a boost in terms of energy and happiness. It didn't. I sort of gave up hopes of not feeling utterly cheerless.

Before I went to bed, I decided to pull out a small book of Zen quotes. I wrote these on my mirrors:

"The blue mountain bordering the sea does not move, but the mind of the bird over the waves breaks free and follows the course of the river." -Master Daishi
I love the reminder that it's not physical location, surroundings or circumstances that matters or creates freedom--it's mindset.

"What was your face before the birth of your parents?" -Koan

Then I meditated. Sitting there in the darkness, a series of thoughts flashed through my mind as I watched. "Listen to the stories of the universe." I wrote that on my mirror too. I'm not very good at listening. I'm good at talking, but not skilled. I just tend to interrupt, speak out, respond to questions not directed at me, etc quite a bit. I don't mean to, or think about it, but it just seems to flow out of me (particularly when I have energy). I wonder at times how other people can stand me at all. My goal today is to create love and touch existence by listening to it. Whether its classmates, playful squirrels, friends, weather patterns--I just want to pay attention. Marvel. Appreciate. Understand, not speak. That doesn't mean I'm going to be mute all day, or even remember to pay attention. It just means today I'll be putting in extra effort.

By the end of meditation last night, and after a cup of soothing tea, I felt amazing. At peace. Happy. Content. Different. I woke this morning ready to listen.

Encouragment

"Encountering sufferings will definitely contribute to the elevation of your spiritual practice, provided you are able to transform calamity and misfortune into the path." H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

Look within. Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.
Dhammapada, Words of the Buddha

If you live the sacred and despise the ordinary, you are still bobbing in the ocean of delusion. Zen Master Lin-Chi


Anything that is created must sooner or later die. Enlightenment is permanent because we have not produced it; we have merely discovered it.
Chogyam Trungpa

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part." St. Augustine

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
David Harkins

Okay, so maybe this would all be considered "emo" or whatever. Whatever. I just need to remind myself that it's okay if she doesn't come back next year. It's okay if I still care about her and let those feelings grow. I don't need to instantly recoil. Like I said in another post, I need to enjoy life instead of always think about longevity. I'll take things in stride. I will love, if it comes to it, without fear--because the ending never negates the validity and beauty of the experience.

She's not coming back next year. I don't know how to deal with this information. I guess tonight was the last straw (although we both understood, she was still unsettled by Union's misconceptions and stance I suppose). How did I let myself become this attached? I wish I hadn't quit smoking. She wishes Union was more gay friendly. I wish I was somewhere far away, where my throat didn't feel so sore--a giant pebble lodged without hint of relief. I don't want to fall for her anymore. I want my eyes to stop getting red, and I convince them that it's not yet time to crack, break and leak out salty twin streams.

Unfinished blog posts from 2009

13 April
Sometimes I wish I could be the model: laughing, pouty, desired,



14 Sept.
I'm usually good at not falling very hard for people. Mostly because I'm nearly incapable of staying romantically interested in someone for more than a week. Can you have ADD when it comes to relationships? Maybe I unconsciously cut off crushes from developing into full-blown "like affairs" to avoid pain. But I've tried liking various people—it doesn't work

Unfortunately, I fell head-over-tomsshoes this summer for a near-stranger. In fact, I hadn't felt so totally into someone since I was in love with Kalvin.


31 Oct. a
I've ceased trying to write my Women and Minority Writers paper. Even though people often confuse me for a writer, I often have the hardest time whipping up sentences--much less full papers.

I started this paper weeks ago. It was due this past Thursday (but yay for grace periods).


31 Oct. b
There are so, so many times when I look back and am distraught at the things I used to believe. I get confused how I can be the same person (maybe alien abductions are real after all ;-) when growing up I've seemed to be different people. I remember going to hear Bush speak when he was touring for re-election. I totally dug what he said (mostly because I'd yet to start thinking for myself)

8 Nov.
You could see the sin and the sadness
And taste the gin and the madness
on my lips, and in my eyes well

-Jay Brannan

24 Nov.

Fascination.

Obsession.

Don't spill your commercial on me.
My body is not
a perfume
advertisement

I know I don't have a scent
but neither do the perfume girls
on color TV.

Killer TV.

Kill her TV.

"I'm the one who gave Darth Vader asthma"

Beautiful. A new favorite performance poet.

My new body mod :-)

Tyson from Ink Machine wrote on my body:

"The only place you'll want to be..."

I joked with my friend Michael that I should write a book about how awesome I think he is. Then I realized I wasn't joking, and wanted to blog about it.

There's that oft-quoted saying by Aristotle that friendship is one soul dwelling in two bodies. I don't believe that. I believe friendship, like what I have with Michael, is two souls colliding and connecting in a sublime display of warm yet electric golden sunlight. Comfort and excitement.

"Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.” (author unknown)

Michael and I, we do run fingers through each others soul. It's not just once we are understood, nor does the experience become less amazing or surprising because of the frequency. It reminds me of multiple orgasms, actually--not that there's anything sexual between us.

I wonder what my life at Union would be like if I'd never met Michael. I don't think I'd be at the place I am now, which in turn would mean I wouldn't see or interact with the world in the same way. Usually I refrain from making any sort of definitive statement about how things would be if something were different, but I know that my quality of life (and I don't mean creature comforts) would have been drastically diminished.

I look at the spectacular ties I have with friends like Michael, ties that do not restrain nor suppress but lift and beckon; helping me walk more bravely toward sunrises I may have previously regarded with suspicion. I wonder how many more exquisite people, capable of touching cool fingers to my soul, are floating out in the world. Or across the classroom.

Tomorrow never looked so beautiful.

Sal's 21 Suggestions for Joyful Living

1. Be what you most admire in yourself and others. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
2. Do something you enjoy so that your play is also your livelihood.
3. Be cheerful. There is always something to be cheerful about, and it will inspire others to be cheerful, too.
4. Be positive and enthusiastic.
5. Forgive yourself and others errors of humanness.
6. Be generous.
7. Have a grateful heart.
8. Persistence, persistence, persistence.
9. Discipline yourself to be intimate with your interior and your feelings. This is your navigation system.
10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
11. Commit yourself to constant growth.
12. Commit yourself to authenticity.
13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on your presence, gratitude, and commitment to joy.
14. All choices come from fear or love. Commit yourself to choosing love.
15. Be honest with yourself and others.
16. Be an instigator.
17. Trust your interior even if it means others will not approve of your decisions.
18. Take responsibility for every area of your life, including your thoughts, feelings, and choices.
19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you’ll enjoy remembering your adventures.
20. Treat all of existence with care.
21. Don’t do anything that wouldn’t make you proud.

I like Sal's revision much better than the original 21 Suggestions for Success by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

A bite of 2009.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Became addicted to cigarettes. Came out as gay. Went to Michfest. Lived in Lincoln. Partied with traveling poets. Listened to Jazz in June. Became a slam poet. Increased my gauges to 4g. Dated a woman. Stayed vegan. Became Buddhist.Visited carhenge. Climbed a dinosaur made out of car parts.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
A couple years ago I made a new years resolution not to make any more new years resolutions. So far, I've kept it :-)

3. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More travel, adventure and new faces. I'd love to go backpacking through Europe, but even a trip in the States would work. I really want to try hitchhiking and not die.

4. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The first week of August: MichFest. It felt like I was finally home.
July 4th: Interesting Adventures to Omaha zoo.
When Obama became president.

5. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I got 28 issues of the ClockTower out by May. That was sort of exciting. 
My grades this semester were the best they've ever been.
I think the biggest achievement though, has been my new views and understanding of life.
Also, my shift toward more introspection and independence from friends/lovers/etc.

6. What was your biggest failure?
Not communicating sufficiently/efficiently with Rulo.
Alanna.
Leise?
My grades (I still should have done better).
There were a lot of things that I learned from this year that I wouldn't call failures.

7. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I don't think I did. Nothing serious, anyway. I crashed my bike and my toenail went wonky.

8. What was the best thing you bought?
I'd say my bicycle, but that was free.
Maybe tickets to the Box and Bourbon.

9. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Those who hate. Those who injure. Those who don't think. Those who are ignorant. Those who are uninspired and uncreative.


I feel like all of the above should have said "whom." I suck at the whole words-thing.

10. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. Cigs. [Misc.] Clothes. House Decor. Union College. Michfest.

11. What did you get really excited about?
Michfest. School starting. Girls. Learning guitar (even if that didn't work out so well). Performing. TOMSshoes. Kate the Great and Miss Megan. Porch parties. Tony. Alanna. Chelsi. [Misc.] Break. This ring I wish I owned. Women and Minority Writers. Finishing Institutional Development. Rhetoric. Stimulating conversations. Life.

Vegetable Orchestra.

This is awesome.